(Narrator is sitting in a big chair with a large book in her lap.)
Hello, everyone. I would like to read you the story of Sleeping Beauty. Ahem, 'Once upon a time...'
(We look over the Narrator's shoulder and can see the page of the book. Sleeping Beauty is on the page, holding very still as if she's a picture in the book. Sleeping Beauty suddenly wakes up.)
(Narrator is confused and looks around, not knowing where the voice is coming from.)
Hey, down here in the book!
(Narrator realizes and looks down to the pages of the book.)
Hello, Sleeping Beauty?!
(Narrator looks to audience and is completely surprised and confused.)
(Sleeping Beauty is in a scene in the Narrator's book. Sleeping Beauty yawns as she says each of her lines.)
I am sorry. My name is Aurora, more famously known as Sleeping Beauty. Listen, can you do me a favor? I spend so much of this story sleeping. Can you change things around a bit?
I'm kind of telling a story.
Look, 100 years is way too long for someone like me to be asleep Ð even though I do love my beauty sleep. Can you just snap to it and get Prince Charming in here sooner? You know, speed dial or something? Oh, no -
(Sleeping Beauty falls on the ground and starts snoring loudly.)
Well...Ahem, let's move on to another story, shall we?
(The Narrator turns to the next page of the book and we see Cinderella on the page.)
We'll try Cinderella. Ahem. 'Once upon a time, there was a girl named Cinderella. She...'
Could you call me Cindy? I don't really like Cinderella.
Cinderella's such a weird name. I like Cindy.
But you have a story named after you and everybody knows you by your full name. I can't say, 'Once upon a time there was a girl named Cindy. It doesn't sound right!'
Have you seen my shoe?!
No. Now can I start the story?
Sure, go ahead. I'm gonna look for my shoe.
(Cinderella walks out of the book, leaving a blank page. The Narrator is getting frustrated.)
Fine! We'll move on to Little Red Riding Hood.
(The Narrator turns the page to where Little Red Riding Hood is standing with her arms crossed.)
Red Riding Hood:
The wolf howls every night right under my window! I mean wolves, they could eat somebody! Next time just don't include the wolf.
Red Riding Hood:
I've got a great idea-How about a lamb instead of a wolf in my story? It'll be GREAT! I can say, "My, What SOFT WOOL You Have!"
This is getting out of control.
(Jack enters as Little Red Riding Hood leaves, and the Narrator gives an exasperated look.)
Hey. I'm Jack, and I'm tired! I'm overworked and underpaid!
First you've got me jumping over CANDLESTICKS that are on FIRE. Then I'm climbing huge BEANSTALKS and getting chased by GIANTS! THEN, you've got me climbing up steep hills and fetching pails of water. And then you've got me sitting in a corner pulling plums out of pies! Has anyone considered that I'm allergic to plums?
(Looking at the audience.)
It's RIDICULOUS. I need to talk to my AGENT!
(A cell phone starts ringing.)
Oh, I think that's me.
(Jack pulls a cellular phone from his knickers. We hear a voice say: FEE FI FO FUM.)
(Jack addresses Narrator.)
I gotta take this.
(Jack begins having a private conversation on his cell phone, and walks into the background, but stays within the page of the storybook.)
(When Jack walks upstage, all the characters from the previous stories begin to crowd the frame. There is complete chaos! A cacophony of annoyed and complaining fairytale voices bombards the Narrator.)
All Fairy Tale Characters:
Hey, one other thing! You didn't let me finish my point! Can you believe these other guys! Hey, get out of my way! This is MY story! (Etc.)
I've HAD it!
(In complete frustration, the Narrator closes the book and the voices become extremely muffled.)
Ahhh. That's better.
(A beat. Then we hear sounds of the Fairy Tale Characters struggling to lift something...)
All Fairy Tale Characters:
(The book flies open and the voices resume in full volume!)
Hey, why'd you do that?! As I was saying, you need to give me better lines! I don't like the part when I fall asleep! I think Prince Charming took my slippers! Why don't I have a happy ending and a happy beginning? Do I have to wear a red hood? I'm more of a winter. (Etc.)
(The Narrator puts her head down on the table in frustration while the Fairy Tale Characters are louder than ever.)
AUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! Next time I'll stick to nonfiction.