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Nancy Doolee


Carolyn of Windsor, ON

CAST:
Fannee Doolee
Nancy Doolee
Waiter
Waitress
Manager
Waitress
Cook
PROPS/COSTUMES:
Door; table; 2 chairs; a sign saying "Beware of the Doolee sisters" with both of their photos

SETTING: A restaurant

(Nancy and Fannee Doolee are seated at the table. Their dog sits on the floor between their chairs.)

Nancy :
It's great to be here with you Fannee.

Fannee :
You too, Nancy.

Nancy:
We'll do some real sister bonding.

Fannee:
It will be really good.

Nancy:
No, great.

Fannee:
Really good.

Nancy:
Great!

Fannee:
Really good!

Nancy:
Great!

(During this exchange the dog's head volleys back and forth. Dog whimpers a bit.)

Fannee:
You know, I've never liked your name, Nancy.

Nancy:
I don't like yours either, Fannee!

(Waiter enters and interrupts their skirmish.)

Waiter:
Ahem. May I help you?

Nancy:
Yes you may!

(giving a mean look to Fannee.)

Fannee:
I don't want a waiter! I want a waitress.

Nancy:
I like waiters!

Fannee:
Waitresses are better!

(Waiter gives a look to the audience.)

Nancy:
Waiters!

Fannee:
Waitresses!

Nancy:
Waiters!

(Waiter shakes head and gives another look to the audience.)

Fannee:
Let's order food-appetizers!

Nancy:
I want drinks!

Fannee:
Food!

Nancy:
Drinks!

Fannee:
Foo-!

Waiter:
Alright! I'll get you some food, and you something to drink.

Fannee/Nancy:
Good/fine!

(Waiter shakes his head, exasperated, and goes to the back to see the Manager.)

Waiter:
We got a couple of doosies over there! They can't agree on anything!

(Manager looks over at the table.)

Manager:
Oh no! It's the Doolee sisters! Didn't you read the sign?

(Manager points to the "Beware of the Doolee sisters" sign.)

Waiter:
Aaugh! I forgot!

Manager:
Is that a dog with them?

(The dog scratches behind her ear.)

Waiter :
Yeah.

Manager:
We'll just see about that!

(The manager goes out to the table.)

Is that a dog with you?

Fannee/Nancy:
No/Yes!

Manager:
Excuse me?

Fannee:
He's a puppy!

Nancy:
No, he's a dog!

Fannee:
Puppy!

Nancy:
Dog!

Fannee:
Puppy!

Nancy:
Dog!

(Manager gives a look to the audience.)

Fannee:
(To manager)

Where's our food?!

Nancy:
Where are the drinks?!

Manager:
Argh! I'll come out with the drinks and some bread and butter.

Fannee:
Forget the bread!

Nancy:
No, forget the butter!

Manager:
Would it be okay if I gave you margarine instead?

Fannee:
No it would not!

Nancy:
Margarine is delicious!

Manager:
Aaaugh!

(Manager goes to the back and sends out the waitress with a tray, some bread, some butter, and some water.)

Waitress:
Here you go.

Fannee:
Finally, a waitress!

Nancy - shing ying:
I don't like waitresses! What happened to the waiter?

Fannee:
I don't like this water! I do like the glass, though.

Nancy:
I don't like these rolls!

Waitress:
That's bread.

Oh. Then I love it.

Fannee:
I don't want bread! I want to see the cook! And I want the bill!

Nancy:
Well, I want to see the chef! And tell him to bring the check!

Waitress:
Argh!

(Waitress goes to the back and sends out the cook.)

Cook:
Can I help you ladies?

Fannee/Nancy:
Are you the cook?/Are you the chef?

Cook:
Yes.

Fannee/Nancy:
Good./Great.

Cook:
Is there a problem?

Nancy:
No. Your restaurant is wonderful.

Fannee:
No, it's terrific!

Nancy:
No, it's magnificient!

Fannee:
No, it's swell! We're coming back tomorrow for dinner!

Nancy:
No, for lunch!

Fannee:
Excellent, at noon- for the buffet.

Nancy:
Well, not for me then, I'll be in for breakfast.

Fannee:
Then, I'll beat you here in the wee hours for some eggs.

Nancy:
What time are you opening?

Fannee:
What time are you beginning?

Cook:
We open at...

Manager:
(Stepping in and cutting off cook.)

Actually, tomorrow, we're closed!

(Manager and chef look at each other as if to say, 'that was a close one.')


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