Angry feelings are a natural part of being human; nevertheless, we don't have to hurt anyone or ruin anything when we're angry. Even as adults, we need to take a moment to gather our own self-control when something has happened to make us mad.

Unfortunately, our society is full of images of people not being in control of their own feelings, of people hurting one another when they're angry. It's so important that we adults help children know we care about their feelings, but we want them to find healthy ways to deal with them.

Children Can Learn Self-Control

Children aren't born with self-control. They learn it gradually as they grow from infants to toddlers to preschoolers -- and beyond. And they learn it best with the help of adults who have a loving relationship with them.

When children know their caregivers care deeply about them and care about whatever they're feeling, they are more likely to be able to talk about feelings rather than act them out. When a child in your care seems to be angry, you could say, "I know you're mad about that, but you can't hurt!" When a child is getting angry with a friend, you could say, "Tell him (or her) that you're angry! It helps when you use words." At a quiet time, talk about things children can do when they're angry so they won't hurt anyone or break things.

It takes thought and emotional energy to work through our own angry moments. If that's what we'd like our children to learn, we're going to have to make it clear to them that we value being able to "stop" from doing something that may hurt: stop and then do something else instead that doesn't hurt anyone. Children will "catch" that message from us if we believe it's important. And they'll want to make it their own, in order to become more like those they love.

Here are Some Ways to Help Children Deal with Angry Feelings:

• Children learn from your example. When you use words to talk about your angry feelings, they see that when people get angry, there are things they can do that don't hurt.

• Talk with the children about different ways people handle their mad feelings at school, with friends, or on television programs.

• When a child is about to hit but holds back, that's an important time to say, "I'm proud of you! You wanted to hit, but you stopped yourself! Look how well you're growing!"

For more information on helping children manage their anger, visit our Family Communications website.

Back to Theme