If saying goodbye to someone you love means pain and tears, you'd think saying hello to them again would mean joy and laughter. From a young child's point of view, though, we may have to think again.

Why Such Cold Hellos?

Parents naturally wonder why their children sometimes greet them in such seemingly unwelcome ways after time apart. Instead of happy hugs, what they get is hostility or, even worse, the cold shoulder.

"What kind of welcome is that?" a puzzled father asked, feeling hurt when one of his children greeted him that way at the end of a business trip. Though it didn't look like that, that welcome was probably an expression of love.

A Child's Perspective

Children's love can be very possessive. They want their parents right there with them all the time. Of course, that's unreasonable, but childhood is not a "reasonable" time according to adults reason. Children can't understand why a person who loves them wouldn't want to be with them every minute of the day and night. "After all," a child thinks, "if I want to be with you all the time, then you must want to be with me just as much."

Part of growing is learning to cope with strong feelings when a parent goes away. Sadness is one of those feelings and that's the one we generally associate with partings. The other feeling is anger. That one is often not recognized or acknowledged, and it can have some disastrous effects on "hello" times.

Finding Ways to Ease the Separation

The more children and parents can talk about leaving and coming back, the better. Why do people go away? How does it feel to miss someone you love? How does it feel when you and that someone are back together again? Then, too, they may find some practical ways to make the "hello" time smoother. Some child-care providers suggest that parents linger a bit with their children before leaving for home; a little transition time can be very helpful in dispersing pent up feelings.

Although we think of "hello" and "goodbye" as opposites, children may treat them both as aspects of the same experience: being left behind by a loved one. While parents may find themselves surprised and even hurt by their children's standoffishness at the end of the day, they can take comfort in the thought that it probably means they are loved...and loved a lot.

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