Some things in life are especially hard to deal with...and hard to talk about...for adults as well as for children. It seems that the hardest ones involve loss. While most of the time, going away is followed by coming back, there are times when it's not. When a loss is permanent, children can have a lot of anger and sadness about a person or a beloved pet being taken away from them.

Most young children know something about death. They may have seen a dead bird or bug or had a pet that died. Also, they may have seen people on television die. Still, their notion of death is very limited and simplistic, and they probably have many misunderstandings. It's precisely because children don't understand what death is about that they need help from loving adults in talking about it.

Children are Curious

Children naturally know best what they can see or touch. Their earliest idea of death is that whatever is dead doesn't move. They can't comprehend much beyond that. They're curious about death, and they might ask questions like, "If we sit Grandma up in the casket, what would happen?"

Many of children's concerns focus on body functions that are important to them-- "Can a dead person or animal get hungry...feel cold...make a bm or pee-pee in the ground?" Children don't mean to be rude or hurt anybody's feelings with what they ask or say. They're just wondering about a lot of different things at the time of a death. Asking the same questions again and again gives them another chance to test our answers and gradually come to their own understanding.

Of course, the finality of death is the hardest thing to comprehend, particularly for young children. After all, their friends "play dead," then get up and run around again. A child whose mother had died asked, "Is Mommy coming back for my birthday?" It takes a long time for children to realize that death is permanent.

Words Can be Confusing

Even though children respond more to the tone of our voice than to any particular words we use, it's important to be careful with our explanations. Children tend to take what we say literally. Someone once told a child we know that death was like "going to sleep." That child had great difficulty going to bed and getting to sleep because she was afraid she might not ever wake up. If children hear that someone has "lost" a father or a daughter, imagine what they might think! Or hearing that grandpa went on a "long, long journey," a child might want to know, "If he came home from his vacation last year, when will he come back this time?"

Despite our best intentions, many of our words can be frightening or confusing to children. "If heaven is up in the sky," some children have wondered, "Why are we burying Aunt Suzie in the ground?" Or, "If I go up in an airplane, can I see my baby sister who's in heaven?" When unknowing adults say, "Your daddy is in heaven watching over you," they usually mean to be reassuring, but to a child, those words might raise the image of a spy who sees and knows everything that the child thinks and does. It's often more helpful to answer a child's questions about death with, "No one knows for sure, but I believe...". Saying "I wonder about that, too," is also a way of keeping the communication open.

Things that are Mentionable are More Manageable

When we can help children talk about their feelings and their concerns, we can help them know that they are not alone, that their thoughts are normal, and that there are many healthy ways to deal with what they might be thinking and feeling. Whatever is mentionable can be more manageable. It can be such a big relief for children when they learn to talk and play about their feelings. If they're able to do that when they're young, they can take that "gift" with them all through life. It can often make the difference, when strong winds blow, between bending and breaking.

For more information on talking with children about death by Fred Rogers, visit our Family Communications web site.

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