No husband and wife were ever raised in exactly the same ways by their parents, and all of us bring echoes from our own childhoods to the task of raising our children when it's our turn.

And, of course, watching and learning about life as we grow also bring us to different conclusions about how we want to raise our children.

Being Consistent

"But isn't it important for mothers and fathers to be consistent with one another in setting rules and dealing with discipline?" people often ask. They're asking an important question.

Consistency is helpful and even necessary for children's healthy emotional growth, but the consistency that's most important is each separate parent's consistency. Knowing what to expect from a mother or a father, day by day, is part of the security a young child needs as he or she strives to grow in his or her own way.

Every Person is Different

But something else children need is the understanding that every person is different. With that understanding can come children's appreciation of their own differences and the courage to be who they are -- each one different from everybody else.

For a baby, mothers and fathers are different from the beginning. They look different, sound different, smell different, feel different, hold their babies differently and react differently to their babies' cues and signals. Doesn't it seem natural that they should, as time goes by, have differences in the ways they raise their children?

Working Together

Husbands and wives need to talk about rules and discipline so that each can be comfortable with the way the other behaves. Agreement won't always be possible -- and that's something we have to accept -- but that kind of talk can help keep parental disagreements within manageable boundaries.

And when, in the heat of the moment, there isn't time to talk...and one parent reacts in a way the other finds inappropriate...and a child goes to the other parent for comfort...what then?

A father might say, "That's right. But I'm not Mommy, am I? Your mom and I are different people, just as you're growing to be different in your own ways. One thing's for sure, though: We both love you a whole lot, and that's one way your mom and I are the same."

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