Very young children are basically self-centered. In their early years seeing things from another point of view has no meaning for them. What means most to them is what they experience themselves.

Though we adults may be able to teach our children to say, "I'm sorry" when they're very young, children may not mean they feel sorry or even understand why they should be sorry.

Even though they may not be able to understand, our children do need us to tell them that others have feelings. Our examples are even more important than our words. Like many other values our children get from us, kindness is more likely to be caught not taught.

Understanding the sources of our children's insensitivity doesn't mean we should condone unkind words or acts. In fact, children welcome our efforts to control any behavior that might hurt others. One of the things they may understand from our limit setting is that we won't let other people hurt them either. That's one important way we have of telling our children we love them and that we want to help them to grow in the capacity to be kind towards others.

Even Animals have Feelings

A young girl was snapping her fingers in front of the dog's face. It was just playful teasing with the family pet, but her mother called her, "Honey, don't do that. You'll make the dog feel bad."

Sure enough the dog began to whimper. Surprised, the girl said, "I didn't know dogs had feelings!" Her mother was surprised, too. She assumed her daughter understood that.

Young Children Don't Yet Understand Compassion

Seeing insensitivity in our children can be all the more perplexing for parents who feel they have consistently tried to teach their children the meaning of compassion and kindness. The fact is, though, the concept of compassion may be beyond a young child's ability to understand.

The girl who was snapping her fingers in front of the dog may simply not have understood until that moment that her teasing actions might cause discomfort in another living creature. Parents sometimes blame themselves for not teaching their children enough about compassion. But cruelty often happens not because of what's not taught, but instead, because of what's not yet understood.

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