One proud father watched his 6-year-old girl practicing her newly learned ballet steps, and despite her awkwardness, he was captivated by her movements. "You dance like the great Pavlova!" he exclaimed on more than one occasion.

Finding the Right Compliment

That child is now a mother herself, and she laughs at those comments today. "Back then, they didn't seem funny at all. I knew it was baloney," she told us. "So I discounted the praise. I was smart enough to know I wasn't any Pavlova, yet I felt that's what Dad wanted me to be. He probably thought he was encouraging me, but I found the whole thing thoroughly discouraging!" Her dancing lessons didn't last long.

How might that father have offered real encouragement? It's simple to say that he could have given his daughter an honest compliment that fitted her achievement, but the matter isn't quite so simple: First, he'd have to understand just what the achievement was.

Process not Product

Much of our adult world centers around goals and productivity. Even when it comes to creative energy, we tend to assess its value in terms of particular outcomes, identifiable end products. This isn't necessarily how young children see the world. For them, the doing of something may be a big and pleasurable achievement in itself; never mind what's to show for it when the doing's done. That young ballet dancer, for instance, might have been elated just by discovering the freedom of movement, the suppleness of her body or the delights of rhythm. It might have been quite enough for her father to have said, "There's such joy in your dancing"" or "I really like it when you dance for me. You make me feel like dancing, too!" Finding the right compliment can sometimes take practice.

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