Day by day, in the secure "nest" of family life, children learn the most essential thing of all -- how to live with other people. Daily life requires some structure and routine so that everyone in the family knows what to expect and can move through the day with some comfort and predictability.

That means, of course, that children can't do only what they want to do. There are rules and limits about such things as when to eat, what to eat, and when to sleep. As much as children may "test" the rules, they need -- and want -- adults to be in charge.

As children deal with the ups and downs of everyday life with parents, brothers or sisters, and friends, they're learning about compromise, responsibility, love, anger, generosity, compassion, and cooperation. Little by little they develop the ability to wait, to share, to try, to cope with disappointment, to understand and to express feelings. Day by day, they're seeing how they are like other people and how they are different. If they're fortunate, little by little they're coming to realize that they are unique, and that everyone else in this world is unique, too.

For Adoptive Families

Being adopted into a caring family can be a very special "love story." But adoption can be difficult to talk about, since it involves one of a child's deepest needs: the sense of security in belonging to a family that will always take care of him or her.

Talking about Adoption

Each child has unique ways of dealing with being adopted, and those ways can change as children grow. Some children talk a lot about being adopted, and they ask a lot of questions. Other children may be quiet about it.

Some people tell "the story of when you were adopted" as they're rocking their infants or when they're snuggling with their toddlers. Of course, infants and toddlers don't understand much about what's being said; nevertheless they're hearing about their history in a natural way.

Some parents worry that if they don't talk about adoption with their adopted child early on, someone else may reveal it to their child and that could raise even more concerns for him or her. In fact, a child could feel betrayed and wonder if adoption might be something shameful or something to hide if he or she hears such an important thing from someone other than family.

"It's Not Your Fault..."

As children grow, they try to make their own sense of why they were adopted. During the preschool years, as they work on controlling their own "bad" behavior, adopted children sometimes wonder if their birthparents didn't keep them because they were "bad" or because they cried a lot.

Those children need a lot of assurance from adults that what they're thinking just isn't true. It's better to say, "Your birthmother and birthfather just weren't able to take care of any baby at all" rather than saying, "Your birthmother and birthfather couldn't take care of you." In other words, there was nothing wrong with your child in particular; rather it was the birthparents' inability to provide care that prompted the adoption. If children are left to their own fantasies and think they were abandoned because they were bad, their next unspoken question to their adoptive parents might be, "How bad do I have to be before you give me away, too?"

Children need to hear that there were probably many reasons why their birthparents couldn't take care of a child, but that those reasons all have to do with the grownups. You may want to ask your child why he or she thinks some birthparents can't care for a baby, so you can correct any misconceptions and maybe find out more about what your child really wants to know.

Adoption Is For Always

There are wonderful things about being adopted into a loving family; nevertheless, some children feel that adoption also means loss -- loss of relationships with people they didn't even know, people who were a significant part of their history. Some children have said to their adoptive mother, "I'm sad that I didn't grow in your tummy." Adoptive mothers can let them know that they're sad about that, too, (if in fact they are) but that they're also very glad that "you're growing in our family!"

Many families nowadays avoid saying "You were chosen" because that could imply that those adoptive children are expected to live up to certain expectations if they are to remain chosen. Parents may think they're helping their child feel secure by believing they are "chosen," but oddly enough, that can have just the opposite effect. Adopted children need to hear and to know that adoption is not conditional -- adoption is for always. They need to hear, "You are special, not because you're adopted, but just because you're you. No matter what, you will always be part of our family. Adoption is for keeps."

However Your Family has Grown

As a parent, day in and day out, you're a nurturer, comforter, problem-solver, protector, limit-setter, and much more. In the safety of the family, you're helping your child learn how to get along with others, how to deal with rules and limits, how to cooperate, compromise, and negotiate -- all qualities that are essential for whatever relationships may be in your child's future.

For more information on adoption by Fred Rogers, visit our Family Communications web site.

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