Children, when they're young, need a lot of limits. Many are for their health and safety -- what can be touched and what cannot, what's good to eat and what isn't, where it's safe to play and where it's not. We set other limits to help children move comfortably among other people -- what they can say to whom, what they can do and where.

Testing the Rules

Even though children may test the limits, they really do feel safer when they know what the rules are -- when they've been told by people they love what to do. Testing limits is the "work" they do, in order to learn how serious we adults are about the rules. Some children seem to need to "test" more than others. Often it's a signal that they're struggling for autonomy and need to assert their separateness from us. It may be particularly helpful for those children to have choices (of course, only where it's reasonable), along with clear and consistent rules. Having power over some things, they may not have to fight so hard for their independence. If they can choose which books to read, which toy to play with or which juice to drink, it may be easier for them to accept grown-ups' decisions about when playtime or snack time start or end.

Children Need Adults to be in Charge

Even though children may act like they want to be in control, they really need and want adults to be in charge. It can be very frightening for children not to have limits. They can become even more anxious -- and test the limits more -- when adults "give in" or aren't sure how firm to be. Inconsistency and ambivalence tend to invite power struggles.

Not only do children need limits to be safe from dangers in the outside world, they also need help with the inside world of feelings. It can be scary when children aren't sure they can manage those feelings by themselves and could hurt the people they love. Children need to trust that adults will give them limits -- like "no hitting." They need to be able to rely on us to help them stay in control, to know that their feelings are okay -- even their anger, and to help them find constructive ways to express their feelings.

The Connection Between Love and Discipline

The most powerful motivation for children is the desire to be loved. That's why they learn to behave in ways that give those who care for them pleasure rather than displeasure. It's their continuing love for us that helps them accept healthy discipline from us and eventually develop their own inner discipline.

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