"I feel like I'm living with a teenager!" That's what a mother told us, and her son is only two-and-a-half years old. These days he is making life truly hard for his mother. He's testing limits -- just to provoke her, she feels -- and won't stop when she reprimands him.

Practicing with Power

Why has her son become so stubborn and willful? Like most children his age, he has come to feel that he isn't, after all, just a part of the grownups around him. He's a separate individual, and he is practicing what that feels like. What's more, toddlers have to practice their newly acquired language abilities, too, and the two kinds of practicing may come together again and again in the word "no." Even a suggestion of something you know your child wants to do may be greeted with a "no."

Setting Limits is Part of Loving

Some parents read into that "no" a real challenge and clash of wills. But more often than not, the "no" isn't defiance and the issue isn't one of "who's boss?" The issue is separateness. The child is trying to find out whether his or her new feelings of separateness are all right. And of course, they are not only all right, they are necessary for healthy growth. Children learn by saying "No." Adults have to say "no," too, and sometimes it's very hard to say "no" to a child you love. But setting limits is a part of loving. That's why giving our children appropriate "no's" and support during disappointing times are some of the most loving gifts we can give them.

We all need to learn that life is a mixture of what is and is not possible.

Back to Theme