As parents know, children's friendships are sometimes like roller-coaster rides -- with ups and downs. (Adult friendships can be that way, too!) Some people think friends are people who are always happy and always having fun. That's not true. Just like everyone else, friends (even "best friends") have hard times and sad times.

It Takes Time to Be a Friend

Learning about friendship begins at an early age when children "graduate" from playing side by side to playing with one other child. There is much to learn about sharing toys and sharing ideas, and that kind of learning happens over a long period of time. It takes a long while (years, in fact) for young children to begin to see things from someone else's point of view.

Should I Intervene?

When children fight, they need their parents to step in to help them find healthy solutions, but they also need parents to be patient and to have realistic expectations. Many parents are surprised to find that their children's conflicts are momentary and temporary. The next day the children may have forgotten the problem completely, and the two children will be "best friends" once again -- without any intervention.

Effective Mediation

Sometimes parents feel they need to be "referees", but it can be far more effective to be "mediators," helping children hear each other's point of view and helping them find a workable solution. If children aren't able to make up again after the disruptions and explosions, they many need some extra help from parents, even when things have calmed down. Some young children stay mad a long time, and they don't have the skills to rebuild a friendship. Those children need their parents to help them talk things out, so they can remember the good times they have had with their friend.

A friendship is a way for a child to learn about managing strong feelings, like anger, love, and jealousy. When young friends have a chance to work through those feelings, to manage their problems and difficulties, they can often learn that an important part of friendship is coming together after a disagreement to build a relationship that is even stronger than before.

Here are Some Ways to Help Children with Friendships:

• Invite a friend for a short get-together over a meal, like a picnic or snack. The two children could make something together for the meal.
• Talk about a time when you and a friend disagreed and how it helped to talk with each other about the problem. Even people who care deeply about each other can agree to disagree about some things.
• When a friend comes to play, encourage playthings that are less likely to create conflicts, like making a long paper chain or playing with play clay, blocks, or crayons.

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