When adults make rules and stick to them, children feel safe and secure. But children often fight with their parents about rules. That's the "work" they do in order to learn about rules. Even though children may act like they want to be in charge, they really need adults to be in charge.

The "work" of parents is to stick to the rules. Sometimes your child won't like you for that, and that's ok. At this time in your child's life, your child needs you to be a parent -- not just a friend.

Your child needs you to be firm but caring with rules. That's hard work and takes time. And at the end of a work day, it's hard for parents to find the energy for that.

Making rules is an important part of loving. When rules work, you help your child feel safe, loved, and able to get along with others.

Decide Which Rules are Important.

Each family needs to decide on a few rules that matter most. Tell your child those rules. Remember that children will test rules, even when they know them.

Many families have rules like:

• hold hands crossing the street
• no hitting
• no name-calling
• ask before you take something

Some families write the rules on paper. That helps children remember the rules and know the rules are important -- even if they cannot read.

Make Rules that are Clear and Simple.

When children know the rules, it's clear what you want them to do.

Give simple reasons for the rules. Children are more likely to go along with a rule when you give a reason for it -- even if they don't like your reason or understand it.

You could say something like,

• "No running here. I want you to be safe."
• "You cannot hit. No hurting in our family."
• "You must be in your car seat. It is the law."

Show your Child you Care about Rules.

When something is important to you, your child knows by your firm voice and the look on your face.

When your child seems ready to break a rule:

• Go over to your child.
• Talk right to your child.
• Use a soft but firm voice. That will help your child hear what you say -- more than yelling.
• Ask your child to say the rule after you. Then you know your child heard you.

A child who is very upset cannot listen well. Talk about the rule after your child calms down.

Be sure to give praise when your child follows a rule.

Be Clear about What Will Happen If a Rule is Broken.

When you make a rule, talk about what will happen if your child breaks that rule.

• No hitting -- or you go to your room.
• No throwing toys -- or that toy gets taken away.
• No sassing -- or you leave the table.

If you do nothing when your child breaks a rule:

• Your child thinks that you do not care about the rule.
• Your child may keep on breaking the rule to test you -- to see what you will do.

Of course, sometimes you need to give in. It can help to tell your child you are changing the rule -- but just for that time.

Let your Child know You Care about His or Her Feelings.

When children know you care about their feelings, they can control themselves better.

Let your child know it's ok to not like the rule -- but it's still the rule. Say something like,

• "I know you want to stay up late. Lots of children want to. But you cannot. It's your bedtime."
• "I know you are angry because you want that toy, but it's not yours."

Take Care of Yourself.

When you are tired, it's harder to stick to the rules.

If you are not sure if you should be firm or give in, tell your child you need some time to think. Talk to someone in the family, a friend, or your child's teacher. Sometimes it helps to talk things over with other adults.

Plan for good times with your child.

Try to remember that you are a good parent, even when your child gives you problems about the rules.

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