Divorce is about loss -- loss of the family as the child has known it, sometimes even the loss of a familiar home and often many other changes. Loss sometimes brings deep sadness and anger. One thing we can give children is the right to feel -- the right to feel sad and angry...the right to feel pain...along with the security of knowing that they still do have adults in their life that will care for them and love them.

The Importance of Rules

Children want to know that some things will not change. They need to know there will still be rules. Rules help them feel secure and loved. Especially if children feel omnipotent, they need firm rules. Even though they may fight the rules, they really do feel more secure knowing that adults are in charge.

Expressing Feelings

Encourage children to use words like "I'm mad" or "I'm sad" when they're having a tough day. That's so much better than lashing out at other people or damaging things. One of the most important uses of language is expressing feelings.

Suggest physical activity, like pounding play clay, running in the yard, digging in a pile of dirt, or playing at a playground -- all of which can help children drain off some of the tension of angry feelings. You could also encourage drawing pictures, talking to and for a puppet, or making up stories.

Read together children's books about divorce. Hearing about other children who are dealing with divorce and talking about pictures in a book can often encourage children to bring up their own feelings and concerns.

Even though divorce can be hard to talk about, whatever we can talk about often becomes more manageable. Children need to know that the divorce is not their fault -- it's because of a problem between the grownups.

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