If you feel like your friendships sometimes cause you more pain than joy, you're not alone. Here's what our experts and Mentors have to say about maintaining healthy, happy relationships with your best buds.
Advice Questions about Trouble With Friends:
- Me and my friend Darrion are in a huge fight. We were playing tag on the way back from lunch and it was really windy. I accidentally pushed him too hard and he fell down. Now he won't talk to me. What do I do?
- My best friend in the whole entire world just moved halfway across the country. She is like a sister to me and we do everything together! She's making more friends now and is forgetting about me. I tried texting her and calling her, but she rarely ever responds. What do I do? I don't want to lose her, because she is a super friend and has always been there for me and I can't not be her friend. Help!
- I have a small class, so everyone's really close, like family. The hard thing about that is that I don't have a best friend at school. I'm sitting in class and I feel like I don't belong in the two groups: the popular, sporty girls, and the "just one of the guys" girls that hang out with the boys. I don't have anyone to hang out with me personally, someone who likes what I like. I tried to like what the others like and vice versa, but nothing works out. Sometimes, I feel so alone! Any suggestions?
- My best friend and I are in love with the same guy. It's tearing our friendship apart! We haven't talked to each other in DAYS! She stopped coming to my house every day and completely gives me the cold shoulder. Worst of all...our crush likes the both of us "equally". I really don't wanna lose my best friend to a boy but I also don't want to let this guy go because he's really special. Help? Please!
- "I don't like my best friend's family! Her sister is annoying and gets into our business, she also wants to sleep over at my house the next time my BFF comes over! Her mom doesn't like me and thinks that I'm a bad influence, and lastly, her stepdad drives me crazy! I wanna sleep over at her house but her family makes me uncomfortable so I know I can't! Please help!"
- "I am friends with this special needs student and I always play with him at recess. But the problem is that he won't let me have my own space when I need it and he won't let me play with my friends. He became too attached to me and now I feel like I'm trapped. I asked him if I can play with my friends and he won't let me. He will always find a way to force me to play with him. Now my friends are ignoring me. I don't know what to do, please help me!"
- "My best friend is awesome! We hang out with each other and stuff. But then she met this boy and now all of the time she talks to him or about him! Everywhere we go, she brings him along and I'd really want us to be just us again. How can I tell her that?"
- "My best friend is growing up at a slower pace than I am. She still plays dress up, likes Barbie and princess movies, and doesn't even know multiplication that well. I'm not trying to be mean, but I think we need to find more in common with each other. But how do I do that?"
- "My best friends are two boys. We used to be inseparable, but now we're falling apart. One of them calls me names and the other is just kind of mean. I haven't done anything bad to them. I don't want to lose my friends, but I don't want them to be like this. What should I do?"
- "I'm having some friendship troubles. The group I hung out with last year still likes me, but I find them less mature than myself and sometimes annoying. The people I hang out with a lot this year are more mature, but sometimes say bad things or use bad language. I feel like I'm better friends with some of these people, but am sometimes uncomfortable around them. Finding new friends isn't an option, because my school is very small. To sum it up, I guess my main two questions are how to let these "old friends" know they're bothering me and possibly end our friendship, and how to tell my "new friends" I'm not comfortable with some of the things they talk about."
- "I have a friend whose dad is very strict. He gives her maybe 20 minutes of free time a day and works her all the time. I'm scared to death because she is one of my best friends and she always seems so depressed. She keeps acting like it's nothing but the things she describes to me are so alarming that I've even tried to tell her dad to relax around her a little. I can't stand my friend to be sad and upset, and I can't stand her dad to be strict on her. I don't what to do. Please help."
- "My best friend's family is pretty rich and she's always bragging. She's going to London on spring break and it's making me really annoyed!"
- "Lately, my friend has become really violent. She hits, kicks, pinches, or scratches anyone who says something she doesn't like, which is a lot of things! I want her to stop hurting people, and I’ve talked to her before. But she just acts like she’s not doing anything wrong and shifts the blame on to me, putting me into an awkward situation! How can I get her to stop hurting me and others?"
- "There might be a new girl coming after winter break, and she is Chinese. All of the boys are talking trash about her, and I already know that if she comes she'll never survive! I try telling them to stop, but they don't stop! I don't want her to feel odd, and I just hate it! What should I do?"
- "I have a friend whose younger sister is dying of cancer. She's going back to Texas at the end of the summer. How can I tell her I really want to be someone she can count when her sister is gone? She's always been a good friend to me. Please help."
- "My friend's dad died and then she caught mono. When she came back to school, she started to treat me and some of our friends like dirt, like she didn't want to be around us, and she didn't sit with us at lunch. She sat with somebody she bad-mouths and says is annoying. Is this all depression or is it something else? How can we help her?"
- "I finally got a cell phone for my 13th birthday but our plan limits the number of texts I can send every month. I went over last month and it cost my parents a lot of money, and they got really mad at me! They said I have to control my texting but it's so hard! Everyone sends me tons of texts each day and I feel like I need to answer them all. How do I control my texting when it seems like such a necessary thing with my friends?"
- "My friend feels worthless. Today at lunch she was saying, ‘My mom tells me every day that she wishes she never had me. I guess it's no wonder, I'm not pretty at all. I wouldn't want to have a kid like me; I'm a terrible person. I'm not smart, not good-looking, not particularly nice. I don't know why you put up with me.’ And when one of my friends and I tried to make her see that she does have value, she just said that we're always nice to people and that she can't really believe that we mean what we say. She doesn't do this a lot, just from time to time. She doesn't seem like the type to get depressed, but is she? Or is she just trying to get the positive attention that's she's not getting from her parents? What can I do to make her feel that she IS important?"
- "I have two friends who are also friends, and just about three weeks ago they both got into a really big fight and are trying to get me to take sides. They will not talk to each other and pretty much just won't go near each other! I hate being in the middle of this. I have the same amount of friendship for both of them! Please help me! I want to hang out with both of them again!"
- "I have been out of school with a health problem. Ever since I've been back, all my friends seem to ignore me like they don't know me. I don't think it's because I've been out but I keep trying to be back in the group, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I just want friends!"
- I have a friend at school and we've been friends since 4th grade, but I get the feeling that I'm just her back-up friend. She comes to me and tries to hang out with me when the other girls aren't around...Do I ignore the problem or do I talk to my best friend? WHAT DO I DO?
- Lately I have been hanging out with the 'populars.' They are really nice and even invited me to a movie. I joined a sport to get closer to them, which helped a little. But when I hang out with them at recess I have nothing to say. How do I get closer to them without being clingy or annoying?
- I am a Democrat while my friend is a Republican. As you can imagine, we have two very different opinions on certain things. I try hard to avoid these topics but she constantly puts down my beliefs and makes me feel dumb. We recently got over a big fight about global warming, but now she's bringing it up again and saying even crueler things then before! I don't know what to do. She apparently doesn't understand the term TRUCE!
- I have a friend named Lizzy who is always putting herself down. She is always asking me how she looks. If I say she looks okay, she says I'm lying, but if I say she looks big...she gets MAD! There's not much I can do. CAN YOU HELP?
- Well, I have these two 'friends' who seem to do everything without me. They have sleepovers without me, they go swimming without me, they make little skits that have 3 parts, but they never ask me to join in. I HATE IT! I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP!
- I am in a clique. We all live in the same neighborhood and are all friends. One of my friends is very wild and crazy and gets all of the attention. I want a little of the attention but don't know how to get it. Then another girl in the group is very sarcastic and sometimes makes mean jokes but always says just kidding, which can still be hurtful. Sometimes everyone is nice to each other, and others not. Sometimes they gang up on me and make mean jokes. I can usually hold them off, but not always. I like my friends but sometimes they can stress me out a lot. I can't and don't want to find a new clique. What should I do?
- I feel so bad for telling the whole school that my friend got sick to her stomach at Barnes and Noble. Now that I think about it, I feel horrible! It may have been hilarious at first but I regret it now. How can I earn her trust back?
- I am in the eighth grade at a public school. My 'friend' is always doing something mean. Like trying to make a couple break up, telling much MUCH younger boys they are hot so they do anything she says, etc. She also treats me like I'm stupid. Every day, she comes up with another of my faults to tell me. I don't know what to do about this. I feel like I don't have any friends, because when she and I 'buddy-up,' people think we don't want to talk to them. I can't ignore her, because we have EVERY SINGLE class together. Could you by chance loan me a bit of advice?
- I met this girl this year. Her name is Lauren, and she's absolutely awesome. She doesn't have any friends besides me though, and I feel bad. She also tells me how no one in her family ever says that they love her, and she doesn't feel loved at home. She came over to my house once, and the first thing I heard her say when she was walking to the car with her mom was, "Can I go back again?? Please??" I felt bad. I want to ask her to sit with me and my 5 friends at lunch, but we can only have 6 to a table. Also, I don't think my friends would get along with her. I don't want to risk the friendship of my other friends, especially Cathy whom I've known for 8 years. Do you have any ideas?? Please help me.
- I feel like my friends are constantly putting me down. They try to find little faults in me and laugh about it together. They look at me, then laugh in front of my face and say that I am so funny in a negative and mocking way. Whenever I tell them genuinely that it is not right, they say sorry but continue. I find myself eating alone at lunch. The thing is that when they are alone with me, they are super nice but when they are together, I feel like I hate myself. It is disturbing and leading to crying afternoons.
- My two best friends went to the local ice rink without me. I am mad at them because whenever I go, I invite them, and now they went, and
didn't even invite me. They called while they were there and it
seemed like they were trying to rub it in my face. I don't know if I
should still be best friends with them. Can you give me any advice?
- My best friend Alyssa has an eating disorder. She claims that she doesn't, but everyone knows she does. She doesn't eat, she
feels dizzy all the time, she always feels like she's going to throw
up, she can't breathe and she faints nearly every day. Our friend
told the school guidance counselor, and Alyssa freaked out. Her mom
said that if she doesn't start eating again, she'll send her to an
eating disorder rehab facility. What should I do to help her?
- I used to be good friends with this girl, but I found out she had a sleepover with all our friends and didn't invite me! I don't want to
be her friend anymore but all my other friends like her. And I don't
want to stop hanging out with all my other friends.
- "I have tons of friends. But some people get mad when I win awards! I won Student of the Year for my Parish or County and my school. I won Student of the month every grade. I won a BIG poem contest. In 4th grade I won the DA award, which is for leadership out of the whole grade! People now spread rumors about me, and some people don't want to become friends because they hear things about me that are not true! It really hurts! What should I do?"
- I am Jewish. My school is practically all Christian. I have only two Jewish friends who go to my school. Kids are always talking about youth group or wearing Jesus shirts. It makes me feel left out when people don't understand why I'm not at school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. Any advice?
- Basically everyone I know is religious. All my friends are at least.
But I was raised differently, and I guess I'm an atheist. They're
always talking about church and bringing in magazines and music and
stuff. I've tried to go to church with them and be religious a whole
bunch of times, but I just can't get in to it, and I feel really
excluded. It makes me so sad sometimes that I think I'm starting to
dislike them. I don't want to be intolerant and I definitely don't
want to dislike my friends, but it would be really rude to tell them
not to practice their faith around me because I know it's an
important part of their lives. What should I do?
- "I adore my best friend, but because of her I have trouble making friends with other people. She worries constantly that if I make new friends, I'll forget her. I feel like the two of us are being marginalized because of this. When I try and hang out with other people, she basically ignores them. The reason she acts this way is that in the past she's been badly hurt by false friends. How can I convince her that I'll always be loyal to her, even with new friends?"
- My best friend has a page on MySpace. I'm nervous about this for a few reasons. One, you have to be 14 to be on there, and she isn't. Two, my school banned it. Three, I saw on TV that those kinds of sites can make you vulnerable to people who might want to hurt you. I don't want something to happen to her. I've tried telling her about it, but she laughs. Should I do an intervention, or let her do it? I know it's none of my business, but I'm worried about her.
- I have a good friend. She is nice to me. But the problem is, she makes fun of mentally retarded kids. I have talked to her about it before and she never stopped. I told her it was bugging me and it wasn't nice. What should I do?
- I really need help with my friends. My two best friends Julia and Meredith were mad at each other because Julia lied about Meredith, and Meredith almost got in trouble for it, and now I don't know if they're getting along or not. And the worst part is that I don't know if I should be friends with Julia anymore. But I've known both of them since 1st grade!!! What should I do? Please help!!!!!
- I always want to be friends with new students because I once was a new
student and I felt really lonely. New students come to my school every year. I get most of them to be my friends and just make them feel welcome. The problem is, I'm more of a friend maker than a friend keeper. Help me to be a friend keeper as well as a friend maker. I don't know how, but I just keep losing friends without getting into a fight or anything. Am I that boring?
- WHY DID I WANT TO BE LIKE THEM SO BAD? I'm popular and everything...that's all I used to want, but everyone else who's on this site is saying popular isn't everything, and it's true! For all you girls out there who want to be popular...don't!!! Be yourself! My grades have gone down to C's and D's cuz all I used to care is about being one of them, being kewl, and it's not worth it. So please help me out, I want to be a new person. I've been so mean and yet hyper to a lot of people and I want to move on. Please help me to become a better person! Thanks!!
- My best friend is changing more and more this past year in school. For
instance, she is dead in love with all these boys and laughs if they make fun of her. Yesterday I heard a boy call her a bad name. When I asked her why she let him call her that, she said, 'Lay off, it's only a joke.' But when I tried telling her she's being used, she accused me of being a bad friend and a liar and being jealous!!!! It hurts me seeing her being treated like this. I need some serious help please!!!
- My best friend and I are always competing to be better at things than each other. We're both tired of it and we try to stop, but it's very hard. We are in 5th grade and we've been best friends since 3rd grade. We do not want to stop our friendship, but competing annoys both of us. How do we stop?
- AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) used to be fun. Now, it seems like I leave AIM miserable and angry. I like to talk to people when they are nice, but the majority is mean and irritable, and hard to ignore. It seems like all the people I talk to are mad or get mad at me for something stupid and bully me. I also really don't have any time to socialize otherwise. Should I quit? Are there other alternatives?
- Oh my gosh! It seems like my friends house has been for sale forever...and now a girl has just moved in and she's my age :) Im so happy!! But I dont know how to make friends. I dont want to make a fool of myself trying to introduce myself. I dont know how to make friends!! How do you make friends??? Someone PLEASE help me!
- I have a best friend who is as skinny as a stick. She is in almost every sport we can get into my school. I'm WAY taller, about 2 times the size of her, and I'm not as active. I'm just as popular but it's embarrassing when we go to the pool together because she's smaller. I'm not afraid to wear a 2-piece, but I don't feel comfortable. What should I do?
- I have a friend but she's a girl. To me this doesn't seem like a problem, but to the other guys, they think I have a crush on her! Why just last week I got a note in class saying, You like Alex don't you, Yes or No? P.S. I won't take no for an answer! I crumbled it up and threw it away. This rumor has spread almost to all of the school! HELP!
- My two best friends are fighting and I don't like it, but is it right for me to get involved?
- I had a best friend, and we did everything together. I spent $400 to go to a camp with her and the whole time she treated me really bad. I wrote a three-page letter to her asking to be friends again and said I was sorry for whatever I did (I have no idea). But the other day she called me and said, Good luck with your house thing, but don't try to be my friend anymore. I wish she would at least tell me what I did. We did everything together and she really helped me solve some of my serious problems. Now, I cry myself to sleep every night. I am not asking to be her best friend again, because I can see thats out of the picture, but I just want some closure. I just want to know what I did. How do I go about figuring that out?
- I have this friend who I think is just using me to do her work! Every time our teacher asks us to find a partner, she always chooses ME! I think it's because I'm one of the smart people in my class and now I feel like she's taking advantage of me and a lot of her other friends by taking credit for the work she didn't do! What should I do?
- I have this friend who Ive known for 6 years and we get along just great, but lately she's getting a little bit too close to my best friend. In lunch, she always wants to sit by her. She already has a best friend, so why is she trying to get MY best friend? I'm SO mad at her!
- There is this one boy who has no friends at the school we go to. I want to be his friend, but I'm afraid that kids might make fun of me. Should I be friends with him or not?
- One of my really close friends is just not fun to hang out with anymore. All she does is talk about her problems. She gets mad extremely easily and if I or another friend bring this up with her, she just denies it and gets mad. Im nervous to do or say anything around her now. Ive talked to other friends and they feel that way too. I really dont want to hang out with her if shes not going to change. What should I do?
- My best friend has a huge crush on a guy in my class. He doesn't like her that way, he only talks to her so he can get a laugh. He will do anything to get a laugh. She is really starting to obsess. She's getting annoying but her mom thinks its cute. What should I do?
- My friend's dad passed away. She's very upset and isn't returning my phone calls or talking to me. I don't know what to do to help her.
- I have this friend who copies everything I do! She copies my hairstyle, she started carrying her folder like I did, she said whatever I said (later on she told my other friend the opposite), she wore her backpack the way I did, she paints her nails the color I did, she writes the way I do, she even laughs the way I do! Can you please help me and tell me what to do! Shes been doing this for 3 years! I cant take it anymore!
- I was new at the beginning of 5th grade and I wasn't popular, but soon enough the cool kids saw me and I fit in right away. Every day at recess, my friends and I (the cool group) get together and talk, gossip, and make fun of the uncool people. I don't like being a part of this because I know what that's like and how much it hurts. But when I don't join in, my friends threaten that they'll vote me out! I don't know what to do!
- I have a friend. We are so much alike. We love each other like sisters, but her parents hate me a lot and I have no idea why. Lately, her parents won't let her come over and go to the movies with me, and now we haven't seen each other in quite a while. We don't know what to do!
- My BGF (best guy friend) is really nice online and when we are alone. I really like him as a friend, but I don't like it that he acts different when we are around other people. He tries to act cool and disses me. He does this to my other friends, too. I tried talking to him about it, but it didn't really sink in. That's the way he is. What should I do?
- I used to move a lot because my Dad was in the military. Now I am moving because the place he worked at is closing. I haven't lived here very long, but I have made a really great friend. But lately we have hardly gotten together on the weekends or at all. A mutual friend tells me its because she doesn't want to be really sad when I have to leave. What can I do?
- I have been friends with one girl in my class for a long time. But recently she has found a new group of kids. I don't mind these kids, but they keep making her do bad things. Often they steal pieces of work right out of people's desks and throw them into the recycle bin! (Our teacher is really strict about work completion.) I have tried to tell my friend that she is not making the right decisions, but she thinks it's all in good fun. What should I tell her?
- "There is a guy who my friends hang out with. He doesn't notice me and I feel left out. I want to be his friend. How can I let him and my friends know that I want to be included?"
- "I 'broke up' with my very best friend last year over some stupid stuff. I really miss her and now we're like not mean to each other, but we're very far from friends. She was really there for me when my dad died and she was like a sister. She's part of the 'popular' group now and has a bunch of new friends. Why do I miss her so much? What should I do? I really want her in my life."
- "I have a friend and well, she wants to show off all the time. A couple of days ago she told a girl to get away and that she was a 'freak' right in front of her friends. I feel really bad for what my friend said to the girl. What should I do?"
- "My friend is lately becoming pressured. My other friends are asking her to smoke or get high with them. She said she can handle it herself but she hasn't done anything about itWhat can I do to help?"
- "At my school, there are the 'popular kids,' the 'nerds,' and the 'in-betweens.' I hang out with the 'popular kids' but I'm not like them at all. I think I want to stop being their friend because I'm sick of how they act. What do I do to let them off easy?"
- "One of my friends has only one friend, and that's ME. Every time I want to sit by someone else at school, she complains because I won't sit by her. I tried getting her some more friends, but she complained about all of them. What should I do?"
- "My best friend Emmie and I have a lot of fights and we don't like it at all. Do you know what we can do about all this? Thanks for your help!"
- "This girl in my class hates me (we used to be friends) because she found out that I like the same boy she does."
- "I was hitting my friend (just for fun) and he thought I didn't like him...I tried to tell him that I was joking but I got in trouble."
- Our experts talk about what to do if a friend is copying your work after you've asked him or her to stop.
- Many of you are dealing with friends who tell secrets about you or leave you out. Sometimes your friends even want YOU to exclude another person from your group.
My best friend Emmie and I have a lot of fights and we don't like it at all. Do you know what we can do about all this? Thanks for your help!
It's very natural for really good friends to get in a lot of fights. When I was younger, my best friend and I used to spend every day together, and of course we fought a lot. If you and Emmie want to stop fighting, there are a few things you can try. Maybe every time you guys start to get annoyed with each other, try taking a little break so you can cool down before getting into a big fight. If you don't think that will work, think about the things you fight about, and what you can both do to avoid the situation. Try to come up with compromises that will prevent future fights. For example, one day you choose what you want to do, and the next day, Emmie can choose. If you feel like your friendship with Emmie is really special, you just have to try a little harder to make it work. Good Luck!
--Jenna, IML Mentor
Already you are taking a giant step towards mending the gap in your relationship with Emmie. You've talked with her and agreed that you don't like fighting, so already you're both on the same "playing field." Maybe you and Emmie can talk about what annoys you about her, and vice versa, and then try to avoid doing those things. Or, try compromising with each other. If you start to fight again, stop the fight and tell her that you don't want to fight about it anymore. You could take a break and not talk about that subject until you cool off, or try to sit down and give each other a turn to make your point.
--Mikey, IML Mentor
This girl in my class hates me (we used to be friends) because she found out that I like the same boy she does. She is mad. It was OK for a few weeks, but then, she started cursing at me and yelling at me, saying that everyone hates me and that she would hurt me if the boy she liked started to like me. I already told our school counselor and she's going to have a meeting with me and this girl. But, with this girl, no one can tell her what to do. Not even her mom. What should I do? I really need your help!
From Nyla Rogers, M.F.T.
Hopefully, by the time you receive this message, you will have talked to your school counselor. I am so glad that you did that. Please also consider talking to your parents about how you're feeling and tell them that you're being threatened. Always talk to your parents about any concerns you may have, especially if someone wants to hurt you. Your parents need to know that this girl is saying she may hurt you. I suggest finding out if you're compatible with the guy you like and make friends first.
It's unfortunate that it had to come to this, but time will heal it. The best thing to do in this situation is just take a "break" and stay away from her. That way, if you don't interact with her, you won't provoke her anger. Hopefully, she'll realize that friends come first, because I know I did when the same thing happened to me. Time will heal. Good luck!
--Jaron, IML Mentor
You're in a very difficult situation. Try not to let her affect you. Don't try to argue with her and don't start anything. Just let her say what she has to say and hope that her emotions and hatred will blow over. Allow some time and before you know it, she may not even like the same guy anymore. Try to understand where she's coming from and allow her to talk to you, and then try to get her to see where you're coming from when she's done talking. Hopefully, she'll realize after a while that her actions were pointless and the two of you will be friends again.
--Mikey, IML Mentor
I was hitting my friend (just for fun) and he thought I didn't like him. The teachers said to stay away from him, but all my other friends play with him. I tried to tell him that I was joking but I got in trouble. I really need help!
From Lyn Turnell, Ed.S., NCC, NCSC, School Counselor
I'm sorry that you feel like you were misunderstood by a friend. Unfortunately, hitting is not for fun -- kids can get seriously hurt from a push, kick, or punch that wasn't meant to do any harm. It sounds to me like your teachers have given you a label of "trouble-maker" or "bully." You can change their impression of you, though! Do your best to show them that you're not the kind of student they imagine you are. Start by finding new ways to kid around with my friends that don't involve hitting or teasing. Try to put yourself in your friend's place and imagine how you would feel if you were the person being joked with. If you can imagine being hurt or afraid, then chances are, your friend could feel the same way. Talk to your friend or, if your teachers won't allow you to, you might consider sending a letter or a card saying that you're sorry. Being a good friend means being able to accept responsibility when the things you do or say result in something that you didn't mean. Good luck!
I have a friend who always copies me. When we did a homework assignment she copied me! This was after I said not to and went to play soccer. She went in my binder and took my paper to copy!!!! What do I do?
From Mrs. Asher, M.Ed., LCPC-P
Perhaps you could suggest to your friend that you would be glad to help her with her homework AFTER you tell her exactly how it makes you feel when she copies. For example, you could say, 'I FEEL disappointed/upset/cheated WHEN you copy my work, especially when I am not there, BECAUSE I work hard in school getting the answers.' THEN you could add, 'I would be happy to help you in understanding the assignments as well'.
From Louise Janelle, School Counselor and Certified Educator
Your friend may feel that she is less able to do good work than you are. Let her know she is capable; she can do the work herself, and does not need to copy your work to get a good grade. Perhaps you can work on assignments together and share what you both know. Going into your binder, however, was way out of line. Let her know that it was a totally unacceptable thing for a real friend to do, then sit down and discuss how it made you feel and that it can't happen again.
How do you handle when a friend is leaving you out?
My friends always tell secrets in front of me and I do not like it because I think they are talking about me. What should I do?
One (of my) friends likes to talk about the other. If I don't (join in) she'll get mad. (The other friend does the same exact thing! I don't want to talk about either friend, what should I do?)
-- Autumn, 10
Dear Madison, Sara and Autumn,
I am in high school and this problem STILL occurs, everyday! It's really good to find a way to handle it now, because it doesn't change. Even when you become an adult, there will be people you come across that don't like you or maybe, you won't like them, and they will whisper under their breath about you.
My suggestion is this: Talk to you friend and ask her to please not tell secrets in front of you, but also realize that the secrets probably aren't about you. Maybe she's just talking about a crush or something that doesn't have anything to do with you. Either way, if it's bothering you and she is your true friend, asking her to stop should work.
If your friend is asking you to talk bad about another friend, tell her that you don't think it's right. Your friend should realize that if you are both their friends that she should not be putting you in the middle. If your friend doesn't respond to this, then maybe she's not really your friend. If my friend told me that something bothered her, I'd try my best to help her solve the problem and your friend should do the same.
--Cyntianna, IML Mentor
I've been left out too. I'm sorry to say but sometimes friends just forget about other friends. When my friend left me out during her birthday party, I was sad but then I saw that she was leaving other people out and that other person was her cousin. (I figured, maybe she needs to be with the friends she doesn't have class with.) So her cousin and I started talking and realized we like hanging out with each other better than hanging out with my friend. I also realized that sometimes you can't always be around your friend all the time, even if they're your best friend. At that moment it's best to find other friends that you can hang out with while your other friend does things with other people.
I think you should tell your friends that you would like to be a part of the secret too. Tell them that you want to know too. If they say they can't, they might be talking about you and in that case, they're not your friends anyway...so don't worry about it.
It's very good of you to not talk about either friend especially behind their back. I know how much you would want both of your friends to be friendly towards each other, but you can't force them to do anything. The only thing you can do is tell both of your friends at different times how you feel. Tell them how you don't think that's cool of them to do. If they get mad at you, then maybe you shouldn't be such close friends with them, because if they'll talk about someone else, how do you know they're not talking about you?
--Tiffany, IML Mentor
If a friend is leaving you out, they're probably not a very good friend, but maybe you still really like them, and if you want to keep the friendship going there are a few things you can do. Talk to your friend about how you feel and explain what is specifically bothering you. Also, try to provide specific examples of times you felt excluded. If your friend is a true friend who wants to continue the friendship they'll understand and try to fix it. You should also see if they knew they were excluding you, they might not even be doing it consciously. If the two of you work together you can fix the problem.
--Elizabeth, IML Mentor
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