It sounds like your daughter really loves her friends! Instead of telling her, "Okay, I want you to drop all your plans and hang out with me", ask her to do some fun activity, such as getting a manicure/pedicure or going horseback riding, with you and one of her friends. Make sure you plan in advance, though, so she isn't in an embarrassing situation where she has to cancel plans to go hang out with her mom! Also, make sure she's notified about big family gatherings in advance so she doesn't make plans in the first place. If she simply refuses for you to be in any part of her social life, maybe you could plan something she absolutely COULD NOT bring a friend to, such as a mother/daughter class. Make sure you consult with your daughter about which class you sign up for, because I'm sure the last thing she'd want to do is go do something she really hates without a friend. Best of luck and hope this helps!
--Nicole, 12
Well, I am no expert at this...but reading this really showed that maybe my mom feels this way too. I don't hang out with her a lot, and she always asks if I want to do something together. I tell her that I have other plans. But let me take a shot at this. Instead of asking her if she wants to do something, tell her. You are the parent and that means the boss. If she is mad or upset, she will get over it. Maybe try to plan things a little while before they happen, that way she can't make other plans after and if she does, you can tell her that this was already planned and you knew it. Good luck. I have many friends like this, and I know how annoying it is to be put aside because they have "plans," and especially when they ALWAYS seem to have plans. If I were you, I would tell your daughter ahead of time when you have family reunions so that she won't make plans for those times. You should also tell her to not make as many playdates with her friends. It's not that she doesn't care about you; it's just "the age." Teenagers are realizing how to manage time and homework (finally), and they are realizing that they have some time to hang out with friends. But sometimes they (we) overdo it. Maybe you should limit her amount of "friend" time. Also, I DEFINITELY understand the cell phone thing! They're always typing or clicking some new cell phone. I would limit that, too. If she refuses to stop, you could confiscate it for a while (say, a week) so that she realizes that cell phones are a privilege that shouldn't be abused, and that family time comes first. Show her that it can be fun. And most importantly, explain to her how you feel-somewhat ignored and neglected. I hope it all works out for you & your daughter! I hope she soon sees sense. Good Luck!
--Mallory, 12
Your daughter is obviously being extremely influenced by her peers. This is true of most teenagers, but more so of your daughter than some. Set some time every week to be together as a family and make sure that your daughter does not break this plan. It may only be an hour on Saturday morning to have breakfast together, but make sure that she never wiggles out of it with other plans. If at first she does try to get around it, gently remind her that she will have other times to see her friends. Also, I would recommend that during this time, there be a rule that all cell phones are to be turned off and out of reach. As for the situation with your daughter using "everyone has it" against you, I would recommend first looking at the situation objectively: is it something that she really needs? Will she continue to enjoy it once the novelty wears off? After considering this, make a decision and don't let anything, whining and complaining included, sway your answer. Best of luck!
--Katt, 13
Have you ever thought about just sitting down and talking to your daughter about how you feel? My parents and I had this same problem and I didn't realize that they really did miss my company. I was just trying to have fun. After they brought it to my attention that they wanted to spend time with me, I made sure that I spent as much time with them as I could spare. If that doesn't work, you are the parent and that means that you can tell her that she can't hang with friends because it's family time. She'll be mad at first but maybe she will actually enjoy herself. I think that would work on me for sure.
--Danaca
I can sort of relate to this. Every day, I spend at least 3 hours on the phone with my buds. I stopped having contact with my family, which made me wonder, “If I keep doing this, will it hurt my parents?" It made me realize I can spend a lot of time with my friends at school, but sometimes I only get three days with my parents a week, excluding summer vacations from school. Why don't I have fun with them? Maybe you should tell your daughter that it hurts you that y'all can't spend a lot of time together without her friends. Maybe you can find something you all like and do it together.
--Amber, 12
Personally, this hasn't happened to me. I prioritize with my family first and then friends but I know from other people that after a certain age, friend wins over family. Try offering to take her somewhere with a friend or two that she wouldn't or couldn't do without you. Do this, but try also to keep out of her way when she really wants to be just with her friend or do something with just her friends. As for this certain thing that every girl has, just about everyone has tried that. My mom tells me that if that is true, she is going to call every one of my friends’ moms and ask if they have that thing. After she tells me that, I know that she had won because not all of my friends, just some, have that thing.
--Audrey, 11
Wow, your daughter sounds like me! The reason I stay in my room and prefer my friends to my family is that friends will talk about anything and tell you the truth, not something like "Don’t change, you’re awesome the way you are”. Try to talk to her about how you feel and maybe let her bring a friend to the reunion, so she won’t be so lonely.
--Aly, 13
I'm in Middle School right now where just about EVERYONE does that, and it's just because when you're at that age you don't really think your family is really cool and it's way funner to hang with your friends, because they always seem to have everything with perfect lives and such. Even though she might think it's unfair, you might want to push your expectations of her being present at family gatherings a little higher. She would be setting a good example for her friends. I used to have to work on this too, but when my mom decided that she wanted me going to family outings more, I figured out that they were actually really fun! I got to know my cousins better and my friends think it's cool that I get to spend time with my family.
--Kacey, 11
I think that when the get-together's come around, there should be a rule of "family first." In other words, if there are family plans, then friends come afterwards. That is the way it is for me, and I really don't mind. I think that there should probably be limits on computer time and phone time, that way she spends more time with the rest of the family. I also think that if what the family is doing is something fun, she might want to go more than if it were something boring. Or, if she was allowed to bring a friend to a family gathering, occasionally, she might be more likely to go. As for the other problem, I'm not so sure. I think that she should be grateful for what she has because a lot of other kids probably have less than her. I know this won’t make her grateful but giving her more stuff won’t do it either.
--Bridget, 13
Hey! I know what it's like to have parents who always want me to come to their gatherings and stuff. It's pretty normal, but if you want to put an end to your daughter's "avoided behavior," try putting the computer in a public space (I saw this on Super Nanny) and STOP giving her lotsa stuff. It's totally acceptable to put your foot down and say, "No, you are spending the night with us." She may not like it, but at least now she knows who's boss. And as for the complaining, introduce her to some community service, so she can see that other girls her age might not have nearly as much as she does. It helped me, and now I’m much more of a well-rounded person. Best of Luck!
--Ajani, 12
I am sorry you feel this way but I don't think any parents understand that when you reach this age you want more freedom! I understand that you can't get your daughter everything but giving her more freedom and responsibility will make her happier and less whiney. If your family only has a reunion about three times a year, tell her that if she comes to at least one then you will let her do more things or get her a small gift. Soon she will find it natural to come to these and will stop making a fuss and no gifts will have to be given. Although you will have to live with it if she talks on her cell phone. At this age you really want to know all the latest gossip and there’s nothing you can do about that -- she’s growing up, and with growing up comes growing apart. Sorry but that is true. Hope this helps!
--Arabella, 13
Just like every child, she is growing up and becoming a young lady. Of course it's natural, at this age, to want to distance yourself from your family but sometimes it goes too far. What I suggest you do is set a few solid rules. Family time is just as important or even more so than being social with friends. If there is a family gathering, make sure you let her know asap. That way it will make it difficult for her to have made plans already. And as for the phone and IM'ing, have a time limit, (say only a few hours a week). If that doesn't work, try teaching her the ways of life. Make her pay a portion of her own bills. She needs to learn the consequences. And when it comes to complaining about what she doesn't have, show her all that she does. Ask her: you see the people without cell phones and computers, if I were to take that away from you, how would you feel? Be fortunate for what you do have before complaining about what you don't. But if you choose to lay down these rules, make sure you coat it in sugar first. And make her see what it is she needs to learn. That way she won't feel as if you're coming down too hard or as if her like is 'totally unfair!'
--Angelina, 13
