If you are having difficulties getting along with the 'rents, you're not alone. Check out these questions from kids like you and read how our Mentors and experts recommend dealing with each situation.
Advice Questions about Parents:
- My mom doesn't let me watch ANY movies past a PG rating! Once I was at a sleepover and I was watching a PG-13 movie and my mom called to see if I was okay. I told her what movie me and my friend were watching, she Web-searched it, then called my friend's mom to say that we couldn't watch that movie anymore! Me and my friend were SO disappointed! Also, my friends at school talk about seeing R rated movies and I have NO idea that the movies that they talk about even existed.
- My life is a stress ball. Mostly because of my mother. She is always yelling at me and stressing me out! I don't know what to do. She makes my life terrible!!! She blames EVERYTHING on me and puts all the stress right on my shoulders. I really need help! She is making me get bad grades. Worst of all, she doesn't realize it!
- My mom and dad won't let me get a e-mail address! Mom said I'm too little. But all of my friends have one! Help!
- I really love my dad, but he tends to be really conservative when it comes to sexual orientation. He acts like it's a bad thing to be gay, bisexual, lesbian, or transgendered, and I don't agree…The worst part is, I don't know who I can talk to because my church is against homosexuality, and my friends who support gay rights would get the wrong idea about him because other than all that stuff I said, he really is an awesome dad. PLEASE HELP!
- My parents are being very unreasonable with the TV. My mom just learned in a seminar that TV and things of that sort are poison for kids. Now, she won't let me watch TV alone. I am also not allowed to watch anything over a PG rating. This is very hard when you are going into eighth grade! Whenever I approach her, she says, 'We survived without TV when I was your age, so should you!' Help!
- My mom disapproves of the music I listen to. I don't know why, but she apparently hates indie rock and alternative music. She won't ever let me go to concerts, even if they're with my sisters (aged 22 and 24). I know I'm still pretty young, but I feel I should be able to choose the kind of music I listen to. Help!
- My parents had a huge fight and now my mom isn't talking to my dad, and using me to send messages to my dad. I always feel like I am caught in the middle of my parents' fight! What should I do? This is like chess for me!
- My mom is always getting at me that I need to watch myself and not eat too much. She makes me watch a bunch of obese shows and she always points at overweight people outside and says a little too loudly, "That's how you'll be like if you eat too much!" I know my mom is just trying to keep me healthy but it's just so ridiculously annoying! I want to tell her to stop. But how?
- Why do my parents and I always fight? I love them so much and appreciate all they do, but I have a very short temper and we ALWAYS argue every day. I can't even remember a day where we didn't have an argument. It's so annoying because I always feel bad afterwards. Any tips on stopping the fighting? They never seem to understand my side so I never know how to say things without angering them. PLEASE HELP!
- My mom is ALWAYS on her phone. She barely ever spends time with me. I will tell her something and she'll just say, ‘Yeah,’ and then I will ask her what I just said and she can't tell me. It's over half the time in her life that she is either texting, talking, on Facebook, or playing games. How can I get her to understand that I am more important than her iPhone?
- My dad texts a lot when he drives. I watched a show about how many people die in car crashes from texting, and I'm scared it might happen to my dad! I've tried telling him, but he yelled at me to not be so nosy. Help!
- My dad and my sister are always fighting. When they fight, they try to bring me into the middle of it and then I start crying. What should I do?
- I was an only child for ten years, then my mother and my step-dad had my baby sister, who is now almost a year old. My mom doesn't give me attention because she's too busy with my little sister. My parents are planning to have one more. I love my baby sister, but I'm scared that if my mom has one more she'll forget about me, and that I'll always be alone. I'm feeling really sad thinking about this situation. What should I do? HELP!
- I really want to get a haircut in a different style, but I can't find the courage to ask my parents. What should I do?
- My dad likes to blame stuff on me. For instance, if one of my younger sisters were to do something wrong, the first person that comes to his mind is me. It just makes me feel angry that he thinks something is always my fault. I really need some advice!
- My mom has called me stupid for making an 88 on a vocabulary test and they are 9th grade words and I'm only in 7th grade!...My mom and dad have called me "the stupidest thing" or their "stupidest daughter." It hurts my feelings but I try to hold it in. When they call me those nicknames, I feel like I ruined their lives. I feel like I can't express my feelings to my parents because I'm afraid I'll be grounded or even lectured...I'm afraid to express myself. Can you help me?
- My mom and I are going bra shopping this weekend for the FIRST time! I am really excited about it, but the talking part I am freaking out about it! Should we talk? What should we talk about? Help me please!
- Help! I have no privacy! My parents always check my emails and texts! If I delete something from someone I don't know, they yell at me. My sister reads all of my private notebooks that she knows she is not supposed to touch! I feel like I can't trust anyone in my family!
- I feel like me and my mom don't have a good friendship. I think she pays more attention to my special needs sister and my brother than me. She doesn't talk to me much, I have no clue why she doesn't take me to the mall when she goes, and I'm starting to think she's embarrassed by me. She isn't abusive, we just don't have a special connection.
- I got caught texting some bad things to someone and my mom found out. Now I lost my mom's trust. I don't know any way to get it back. HELP!!
- I can't tell my mom ANYTHING! I told her a celeb was cute and she FREAKED, saying, "You're not allowed to like boys!" I'm almost 13 and she thinks that I'm still 7! I can tell my grandma more than I can tell my mom, and I'm so tired of it. She is so overprotective. She even followed me to a movie because my friend's brother was there and he's 10! HELP!
- It's almost my birthday, and my dad talked to me about ‘Man Day.’ When my birthday comes, we are going to go out hunting and have a couple of beers together, he said. It's how he grew up, but I don't feel completely comfortable with this. I know it's a traditional thing, and I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying no. But it seems like such a good time to really bond with my dad. What should I do?
- When I was in my mom's purse looking for something she asked for, I found cigarettes in it. Also, she almost saw me. I think that she's smoking, and she's doing it because she is tired. After all, she is a teacher, has 4 kids (counting me), and she is divorced. She is only 33! And she said a year ago to not smoke. She knows better. I want to ask her, but I am too shy. What should I do?
- My parents won't let me watch anything that pertains to the ‘Twilight’ series. No watching it or even playing ‘dress up the Twilight character’ online. Nothing! It's really hard now with all the attention on ‘New Moon.’ They don't like the science-fiction story, vampires (they say nothing good comes from them), or anything! I feel like I'm missing a lot, when I see commercials or read interviews. HELP!
- How do I convince my VERY overprotective dad to let me go to this community event with my best friend? He's very judgmental and he judges all of my friends. Please help me.
- Please help me! My dad is obese, and he keeps saying how he'll start his diet soon but never does, and he snacks all the time and when I try to talk to him seriously, he just jokes that he only eats because he's stressed from work, or that he's fine and to stop bugging him! And I ALWAYS see fast food wrappers and drinks in his car! Help me please. I don't want anything to happen to him because he eats so unhealthy! What do I do?
- My parents have set up a parental control on our TV. It prevents me from watching anything except baby shows. I try talking about it, but they don't listen. Even though the setting is mostly to keep my 3-year-old brother from watching scary things, they still apply it to me! I mean, come on, I'm 11! Not 3! Please help!
- I want an AIM email account. I ask my mom about it and she says she will think about it, but every time I remind her, she blows it off like it doesn't matter. I really want one but I don't know how to bring it up without making her mad now. Please help!
- My birthday is in two weeks and I really want my hair cut JUST to my mom's length but my dad won't let me. I really think I am going to be old enough to do what I want with my hair. (Meaning cut it to the length I want. And I'm going to be 11.) How do I convince my dad I'm old enough?
- My parents are always treating me like I'm 3 years old, even though I'm 2 months away from being 12. They always say that I'm their Little Jordie or Sugar Pie. I love my parents but they can't accept that I'm growing up and my friends' moms and dads are treating them like their own ages and they have chores. What should I do?
- My parents expect me to get all A's. If I get a really high B, I get yelled at for a long time. One time I got a 98 on a test and my dad yelled at me because it wasn't a 100. I've tried talking to them about it, but they just say that anything lower than an A is not acceptable. My parents also expect me to get extremely high ISTEP+ scores. It's making me really sad. My dad has called me stupid before, all because I got a B on my report card. I really need help.
- I HATE MY MOM! She drives me nuts! I NEVER feel good about myself around her. She yells and gets mad easily! I don't want to confront her about it cause I know she'll get mad! Can you help me?
- My parents went to this meeting about your children and computers, and now I feel like they don't trust me and want to know every detail of my life. They want to know my school e-mail password and my dad even checks the history after I've used the computer! HELP!
- My mom is always spending time with my 2 little brothers even though I'm her only daughter. We never get to talk about mother/daughter stuff. How can I find a way to talk to my mom and spend more one-on-one time with her?
- I just learned about puberty, getting your period and other things like shaving and growing breasts. I'm excited for these things to happen to me so I can feel more grown up. I think I'm way too young to be starting these things and I'm afraid my parents think the same. I always get my courage worked up to talk to my mom and then it goes away. I try writing letters to my mom but she still hasn't talked to me about it yet. When I ask her to bring me to the store to buy a bra, she thinks I'm kidding. I think I need one because I feel self-conscious about my body if I don't have one on. I really need help talking to my mom. What should I do?
- My mom only lets me watch baby stuff, like Dora, Teletubbies, and Dragon Tales. I really want mom to let me watch older shows. What should I do?
- I think my mom hates me. She really never spends time with me and when she angry she calls me a mistake and calls me names. Also lately she’s become very mean and gives me a glare every time I walk past her. What should I do to make her not so mean anymore and make her like me again?
- My parents just got a divorce and every weekend we switch off (my mom's weekend one week and my dad's weekend the next week). I live with my mom and I hate going over to my dad's house, but I don't want to tell him that I don't like coming over because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Please tell me what to do!
- I can never talk to my mom about anything! If I tell her something she ends up telling her friends and my dad and everyone. How can I stop my mom from telling everyone my feelings?
- I broke my parents' trust. Now they won't let me back online, just because someone on my friends list was not who they said they were. I don't think I did anything wrong, but I'm being punished for it. What can I do to earn back my parents' trust?
- When my parents get angry at me, they call me names like "a good for nothing" and "useless" and it really hurts. And sometimes it's not even my fault or they're being unreasonable. What should I do?
- My parents are 'taking a break' and each night I cry, even when my dad calls to read me and my brother a story. I don't want to tell him I cry every night but it's bringing me and my mom pain.
- My parents are so controlling and never let me make my own decisions. This summer they are making me go to stupid camps and I don't have a choice. It's just so hard because I know they love me...and they wanna help me not be alone all summer...but it's driving me crazy! This summer I planned on hanging out with friends and going in my pool. I hate this! Please help me. I'm miserable!
- I am 13 and my mom is always trying to butt into my life! I know sheis just trying to help but she always asks me, Are you and your
friends fighting? Why aren't you hanging out with so-and-so this
weekend? It gets so annoying! I told her that I would tell her when
I want to talk but she still doesn't listen! I have a boyfriend and
she is afraid we're going to go too far too young! I tell her that
I can make my own decisions and that I know what is too far but she
still doesn't trust me with it. What should I do?
- My mom doesn't trust my friends. She doesn't let me go to their houses and she doesn't let them come to mine. She asks me about how good their grades are and stuff, but I don't want to tell her because she tells me to make new friends if they don't get good grades! She's always worried about this stuff and never let me sleep over at their houses! I am seriously stressed out about this because I'm always alone on the weekends!!!! I need to make her trust my friends, I need to tell her that I DO KNOW how to make good friends!
- Okay, so I am 9 and my parents will not let me have a sleepover. I mean, what is up with that? My older sister is 14 and has sleepovers all the time. Please help me make my parents trust me to have a sleepover! THANKS!
- I caught my MOM reading my DIARY!!!!! It has all my problems and crushes in it. Can you please give me some advice?
- My dad has anger problems. He gets mad at someone and takes it out on the whole family. Just 5 minutes ago, I was getting gum and I heard my dad say to my mom, "Why'd you let her put the blank on in there?" (Blank means an inappropriate word.) He was so mad I started crying and said, "You obviously don't care about how I feel, so just watch what you want!" I was giving him what he wanted, yet he yelled "TURN IT DOWN!" Every night I cry myself to sleep because I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Then he acts all lovey-dovey and then he gets all mad again. What should I do?
- My parents have been fighting so much lately. I'm always scared because I'm afraid something bad will happen. I don't want it to affect school. I don't want to lose another father, or my little sister to have the same problem. What can I do?
- PLEASE HELP ME. My mom isn't letting me go to a school dance, and she won't tell me why! I think she's worried that I might do drugs or something, but I SWEAR TO ANYTHING I WILL NEVER EVER DO THAT. And my parents know so, they trust me. But they never let me go to dances and I'm in grade 9!!! How can I make them change their minds?
- "My mom just had a baby. He cries a lot and she ignores me! What should I do?"
- I feel like I am to blame for my parents getting separated. They have been separated since I was 10. I feel like now I don't exist in their worlds. All the attention goes to my brother and sister. What should I do with this problem?
- My mom is SO annoying. My friend's mom is SO awesome; my friend can tell her mom ANYTHING. I can't talk to my mom about personal stuff like guys that I think are hot and other girl stuff, if u know what I mean. She always bothers me about celebs that I like. Even if I did talk to her, she would tell my dad everything that I told her and he would bother me about it. Other than not being able to talk to her about certain stuff, she's a great
- My parents don't listen to me. They don't take my opinions into consideration AT ALL! When I ask if they are even listening to what I am saying, they say they are, but they don't understand that hearing what I'm saying and respecting my opinions are two totally different things. I don't care if they agree with me, but when I try to talk things out with them, they are planning what they will ground me from or what they will say to me after I'm finished AS I AM SPEAKING! They don't let me explain my actions and it hurts me! When I try to explain why I feel neglected and ignored by them, they just ground me for a few weeks. How can I confront them and tell them to listen without being punished unreasonably? Help!
- "My parents are pushing me WAY too much. I do well in school and am in many advanced classes. I used to play piano, but I had too many other commitments. I play volleyball almost year-round, and at the moment I am not doing so now. It's almost the end of the school year, so I want that time to study for finals, but my parents keep pushing me to play volleyball, get a job, take more advanced classes, and do well in all of them! What should I do?!"
- "I have a disabled sib; he has autism. But at home I think he's just my bro. My parents don't. They think the world revolves around him. When I talk to them about it they say that I'm being dramatic and that I want the world to revolve around me! They've tried to explain to me that he has a disability and I know that. I'm never alone with them so I can't do anything without him coming and messing it up! How can I get them to understand that all I want is a little more attention without being rude or whiny?"
- I have 2 baby sisters and a toddler brother whos a handful. I am the good kid but Im the one whos blamed if my folks dont get enough sleep, Im the one whos always sweared at and Im the one who gets in trouble for no reason whatsoever! Anyway, I really would love it if you could give me some advice.
- I just turned 13 and I am so loving it. But it's not fair that my parents are always over my shoulder! I think that if they could, they would strap a
video camera to my head and let me walk around with it all day. Whenever I come home from school my dad calls me and asks me like a billion questions like: What took you so long to get home? or Did you see any
boys today? I mean REALLY! What should I do?
- I am in 7th grade. At the end of last year, my mom got me a bra. But it was just a plain cotton one. I want push-up bras or ones that aren't boring like cotton. All my friends have them. I don't know how to ask my mom because she's not that easy to talk to about these things. In 5th grade, I asked her about getting a bra and she said that I didn't need one yet. I guess I am just afraid of being turned down.
- My dad eats a lot of bad food. My family tells him that it is bad for him, but he doesn't listen. I'm afraid he is going to die. What should I do?
- Hi, I really love my mom. But, she loves my hair long. I am really tired of it. The same old everyday. I am ready to make a change. I feel I am responsible enough to get my hair cut. How can I convince her that I want my hair cut, without hurting her feelings?
- I live with only my dad (my mom's dead) and I want a bra but I'm embarrassed
to ask my dad to get me one. If I get one without his permission and he
finds out, he'll be angry and ask me questions, like why I thought I needed a bra. I wouldn't be comfortable talking to him about that kind of stuff! I've asked someone else for advice and they said to write him a letter, but it didn't work. What should I do?
- I really want to babysit these 2 kids in my neighborhood. They don't even live far away, just 3 houses down. Their parents have asked me a couple of times. But I had to refuse because my parents think it's too dangerous, even though I'll be around the neighborhood! I want to make some money to buy things not only for myself, but for presents. My 11-year-old friend Sara babysits. Why can't I? How can I convince them?
- OkayMy dad is into God and all, but I just dont believe in the same things. How do I tell my dad that I dont want to go to church? He says I dont have to go, but the alternative is being grounded for a week! I dont know what to do. The more I go to church, the more I know its not right for me.
- I went to school in the 2nd grade and now I'm in the 5th. I've been home schooled most all my life. I want to go to school again and get friends cause I dont have many. But my mom says I'm the same boy cause I was a troublemaker but I'm not. I've changed a lot. How do I get her to let me? Thanks.
- My mom seems really depressed. When I come home from school, she's crying. And that makes me want to cry, too. I've already had a bad day! I lost my crush to someone else, my teacher's mean, and now I have to listen to this! It makes me sad and I hate it. She doesn't have the energy to do things around the house. Last night my dad had to cook dinner because my mom was crying herself to sleep on the couch. I give her a hug and tell her I love her, but that doesn't seem to make things better. What should I do?
- My parents are so overprotective! They won't let me get a cell phone. They think that it's way too expensive and I don't need one because there's always pay phones. Well, I have been researching phones for about a YEAR and I found that there are some REALLY CHEAP phones. But they don't care. And where I live, there are almost NO payphones. Everyone has a cell phone. They think that I will call bad people. I'm only going to use it for emergencies, talk to my parents, and MAYBE call my friends. But any time I talk to them about getting one they just laugh and think that I am joking. It makes me feel REALLY small.
- I want to wear two-piece bathing suits but my parents told me that I'm 'too young to show that much skin.' How can I convince them that I'm old enough to wear them?
- My mom and everybody in my family thinks I'm crazy! I tell them that someday I will run for first woman president of the U.S.A., and that I will be something bigand then they start laughing. I just wish they could know that they are hurting my feelings. Please help me!
- Me and my older sister both play soccer. Sometimes my parents set high goals for me so I can be as good as my sister. How can I be as good as her?
- A few years ago, I begged my mom to get me a doll that everyone had. Now, I never touch it, even though it was very expensive. My mom now wants to take me to a place in New York thats all about the doll: American Girl Place. Since I never play with my doll, I don't want to waste $500 on a trip there. My mom is all excited about it. Should I go or not?
- My parents always talk to me about embarrassing things in public. Like when were in a restaurant, my mom just starts talking about 'growing up,' if you know what I mean. I hate it when they do that. Even when I tell them this, they still do it. How can I get them to stop?
- Last spring my dad was having some problems. He didn't really have a good childhood and I don't know, he was kind of depressed and he went away and spent a month away from the family to 'sort things out.' When he came back at the beginning of the summer he seemed fine. But lately it seems like things are going back to the way they were, and he and my mom are spending a lot of time talking. I'm afraid that the same thing is going to happen again and I'm scared. What should I do?
- I never feel safe to express my feelings to my parents or sitting down and spending time with them. I need some help!
- My mom has made me play piano for 9 years. I hate it, and I've told her that lots of times. She says its good for me. I believe her, but I don't want to play piano, I want to play the guitar. I own a guitar and I play it often. My mom says I can start another instrument, only I can't stop piano. Help me please!!!!
- My mom wont let me go shopping at the mall, but all my friends and I want to go. What do I do to get my mom to let me go?
- My parents put a lot of pressure on me. I get good grades in school, but sometimes I feel like even A's and B's aren't enough for them. I still have to go to bed at 9pm, and they won't let me get instant messenger or go to any chat rooms or anything. It's almost as if they are trying to keep me a little kid. How can I express to them that I want to be able to grow up without feeling guilty?
- I think I have a singing/acting talent that I take seriously, but no one else will! Not even my parents! How do make people take my interests seriously?
- My mom doesn't want me in chat rooms. I like to go to chat rooms because it's fun to talk to other kids. I would never ever meet a perfect stranger in real life if I only talked to them in a chat room. And if someone makes me feel uncomfortable, I know that I should ignore that person and leave. I'm old enough and know all the safety precautions and stuff. How can I tell her that I'm old enough to just chat with other kids?
- My dad has gone out of town, which causes my mom loneliness even though I'm there. Recently she started college again, but that just passes the loneliness to me because on July 4th she had homework and that made
her tired. A few neighbors were popping fireworks and I wanted my mom to see them but she didn't, and that made me feel like we were from different planets. In other words, we aren't spending much time together. What should I do?
- I feel I am a very responsible person, and I believe that I am capable of taking care of a dog, but my parents don't approve. How can I get their approval?
- Just like Nancy, one of my parents passed away (my dad), and now my mom is going out with a longtime friend of the family. I've talked to my mom and now she knows how I feel, but I just don't think she knows how much pain she's causing me. I just get so mad sometimes I want to cry.
- My mom is a very beautiful person. But ever since she remarried, she's changed. I don't like my stepfather because he is mean to me when we are alone. My mom has changed and now she's mean too. The only time I don't feel pressured is in school. I don't feel good at home. I'm afraid to talk to my mom about it. What should I do?
- My mom wont let me dress a certain way. Shes always telling me to be myself and to be original, but when I do she always tells me to go change.
- Brianna, Tamara, and Janelle all need advice on how to get their parents permission to start dating.
- My mom passed away, and my dad has been talking about dating lately. I don't want him to date, but I haven't told him this because I don't feel comfortable talking to him. He met a woman and they've been going steady. I don't like her and I haven't told him. The weird thing is that she is my best friend's aunt!!!!
- "My dad keeps calling me stupid, even though I really am not. I get straight A's and I have won the spelling bee before. But now, I find that I am starting to call myself stupid, and I feel that if I don't stop this, I am going to believe that I am stupid. I know that my dad is just kidding, but he never says that he is, so maybe he isn't. What should I do?"
- "My parents won't listen to me when I say that they can die from smoking. What can I do?"
- "We recently moved, and I'm not happy with the people or the location of my new home, and I need some time for just my mom and me. How do I approach my mom in a way that she doesn't feel criticized?"
- "My parents won't let me see a movie that I want to see really bad. What should I do?"
- "I want a raise on my allowance, but my mom won't even talk about it with me! I'm only asking for a $5 raise! What should I do?"
- "My parents are divorced and I live with my Dad. When I visit my Mom, I try to talk to her about me not wanting to live with her, and she keeps saying that I can't stay with my Dad all my life. What should I do? I don't want to hurt her feelings."
- "I can't talk to my parents about anything. I am an only child and often feel lonely. My parents are overprotective (they watch the news too much) and they have weird superstitions that something will happen to me. I feel like I am in a cage. I can't talk to anyone about it. Plz give me some advice on what to do."
- "My parents are way too protective. They won't let me have a spare key, they won't let me stay home alone, AND they won't let me have a sleepover without a month's notice! Help! How can I prove to them that I can do all this stuff?"
- "I can't talk to my mom or dad about grades. If I get an F
my mom will flip out. What should I do?"
- "Every teacher has high expectations for me. My parents make me work way too hard. Recently, I got a 90% on my math test and my parents nearly blew the roof."
- Several of you had questions about how to handle it when your parents argue or call each other names in front of you.
- "My mom smokes way too much. She says she has it under control, but I think she's wrong. I don't want her to get sick and die, and now my friends say her breath smells. How can I tell her how I feel?"
- "My mom doesn't want me to go to middle school. Instead, she wants me to go to a Christian school. I really would like to stay with all of my friends. How do I talk to her about this?"
My parents are divorced and I live with my Dad. When I visit my Mom, I try to talk to her about me not wanting to live with her, and she keeps saying that I can't stay with my Dad all my life. What should I do? I don't want to hurt her feelings.
From Jodie Lynn, Author and Newspaper Columnist, "Parent To Parent"
This is a lot of pressure for you to put on yourself. Your Mom probably feels bad because it appears (to her) that you've chosen your father over her. I realize that you don't want to make your Mom feel bad, but it looks like living with your Dad is working for you -- and you are basically happy.
As much as you don't want to hurt your Mom's feelings, it's important that your voice be heard. If you're not comfortable talking to her about how you feel, your Dad, or another adult you trust, should talk with her. Then, the next time you see her, try to stay positive when she asks you about it. You could say something like, "Hey -- I love my life right now and I love you...let's go get some ice cream." You could also ask her questions about what's going on in her life, so the focus of the conversation is not on you. Remember: If you feel that this situation is getting too difficult for you to handle, ask for help from your Dad, a school counselor, or other adults you trust.
I understand where you're coming from. My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old and honestly, it was painful. My mother had full custody of me but my father still came around to visit. In your situation, I suggest that you talk to both your mother and father and discuss how you feel about being "caught in the middle." Seeking professional help, such as a family therapist, would be an excellent step towards a solution. I hope for the best.
--Dexter, IML Mentor
I know how hard it can be to try to get a point across to your parents that you know can be hurtful. Since this is going to personally affect you, you have to be sure to talk to your mother at the right time. Try bringing up the subject and if you feel like she isn't reacting well, just stop and tell her that you'll talk about it later. Just keep doing that until you feel she's in a good position to listen and consider what you have to say. Good luck!
--Mikey, IML Mentor
|IML has more advice on how to Get Outside Help when you're dealing with divorce.
Hi my name is Misty and my friend's mom and dad got (into) a fight. What should I do?
Hi. My mom and dad sometimes say bad things about each other and it really bothers me, but I don't know what to say or how to handle hearing something bad about my other parent.
Well my mom and dad are always fighting. And I cry about it when no one's around.
From Paul Horowitz, M.D.
Hi, kids. Thanks for the questions about dealing with adults when they are having arguments. Did you ever say or do something you didn't mean to say or do? Do you sometimes fight with even your best friends? Those are usually the fights that are hardest to get over because your
friends mean so much to you, right?
Adults aren't perfect and sometimes they disagree. This can be especially hard because they are usually so close (sort of like best friends). When they are fighting, they often will say and do things that they don't mean to say and do. It's really important to let them have their arguments in private. If your friend's parents are fighting (Misty), and you don't feel like being there, call your parents and ask them to come get you.
The best time for you to discuss the fighting is during a time when there is no fighting going on at all. Find a chance to speak with one or both grown-ups in the car, or during dinner, or another time and tell them how you feel when they fight. Maybe they would agree to some rules about fighting. You could suggest that if they fight, they might want to do so in private and to please LEAVE YOU OUT OF IT. It's not right for them to put you in the middle of their disagreements. Remind them that it's between them.
It's hard to hear some of the things parents say to each other when they are fighting. (Mandi) Most of it isn't true, it's just being said out of anger. If you don't feel right talking directly to the adults who are fighting, you might want to write it in a letter, or ask another adult you trust to speak to them. (Kandis) If you don't feel like there's anyone to talk to about this, speak with your teacher or counselor at school, or a religious leader in your community.
Finally, if you're worried that someone might hurt you, themselves, or someone else, call the police immediately.
Mandi, I know how hurtful that can feel. My parents used to fight and would say negative things about one another. It hurt me to hear them put each other down. I talked to them about it and they were more careful about expressing their anger or frustrations in front of me.
Kandis, I also used to cry by myself after (and even during) fights that my parents had. It's okay to cry! But you may want to try talking to one of (or both of) your parents about the way their fighting makes you feel. And if you do not feel comfortable talking to your parents, talk to a friend or a teacher about your feelings, or even write a letter! Letters can be very powerful.
--Leah, IML Mentor
This is a very hard subject to deal with but I have definitely had experience with this. My parents always fought in front of me and it made me very uncomfortable and it even made me afraid of my dad. When I got a little older I told them how it made me feel when they fought so much and they said that I should've told them sooner.* I would suggest telling them how it makes you feel because no child should hear their parents fight. It really helped with my parents.
--Lindsey, IML Mentor
|*Our IML experts would like to clarify something about Lindsey's comment. Her parents suggested that she should have told them sooner that the arguing bothered her. This does NOT mean that it's Lindsey's fault that her parents were arguing. When parents argue it is between parents. Kids are NOT to blame for their parents' arguments.
My mom smokes way too much. She says she has it under control, but I think she's wrong. I don't want her to get sick and die, and now my friends say her breath smells. How can I tell her how I feel?
First of all, I hope you know that your mom's smoking has nothing to do with how much she loves you. Smoking is a terrible addiction that is very hard to control, despite how much one wants to quit. It's understandable that you'd like her to stop because it is very scary to see someone you care about doing something that is harmful to their health. There are a few ways to approach the situation, and you can decide which one is best for you.
1. You can try talking to your mom in person and tell her how you feel. You can tell her why it scares you to see her smoke, why you're embarrassed of her breath, and how much you want her to stop. It may help if you actually engage in a conversation with your mom about it because the two of you can be very honest about how you feel.
2. If you don't feel like you can handle talking to your mom about it, you can try to write it in a letter. Sometimes people have an easier time letting others know how they feel by putting it on paper, that way they won't forget anything they want to say and won't chicken out saying it. You can write all the stuff you'd want to say to her, and put the letter on her bed, drawer, or somewhere she'll find it.
3. If you'd rather not talk to her or write her a letter, you can always turn to someone else to talk to her. Do you have a close relative or family friend that is also close with your mom? Maybe you could talk to one of them and address your concerns, and they will be able to talk to your mom about it. It may help having an adult talk to your mom because it will show your concern as well as the impact of someone older than you, talking to your mom about the dangers of smoking.
I hope one of these suggestions will work for you. If your mom still doesn't change her habits, just know that it doesn't mean she doesn't want to or isn't willing, but that it is just very hard to break the cycle. I'm sure that she will try to be sensitive to your feelings, and truly consider your side of the situation. Good luck!
--Jenna, IML Mentor
My mom used to smoke and I remember being angry, sad, and confused. I used to tell my mom how I felt, that I was scared that she would get sick from smoking. It took many talks, lots of patience, and several tries, but she eventually did stop. Now she has been smoke-free for over 3 years! Even though my mom smoked, a rule was made that she couldn't smoke in the house, and that was the first step in her quitting. Try sitting down with your mom and honestly telling her how you feel. It may take some time, but she will listen.
--Leah, IML Mentor
My mother had smoked since she was 13, and only quit during the times she was pregnant with my brother and me. No one in the house could stand the smell, the smoke, or the fact that we were becoming more and more aware of the health issues. Approach your mother as mature and understanding, not as someone who is nagging or just doing it because your friends think you should. Do a little research, get some serious facts on the harms of smoking, and present these to your mother. Also, make sure you have the support of everyone in the house, so you can tell her she has all the help she needs. Suggest ways she can ease the pain and difficulty of quitting. If all else fails, persistence is a virtue.
--Ashlee, IML Mentor
Back to questions
My mom doesn't want me to go to middle school. Instead, she wants me to go
to a Christian school. I really would like to stay with all of my friends. How do I talk to her about this?
--Angelae, Age 10
From Josephine Schiff, MSW, LCSW, school social worker in Union City, NJ public schools
Angelae, what I like about your question is that it is obvious you want to TALK to your mom. You know it's not going to be easy. As someone who is a school social worker and a mom, I see how parents' views can shift as their child approaches puberty, middle school or (gasp!) high school. They become concerned about whether their son or daughter might be exposed to people and situations they don't approve of. Find a quiet time to talk to your mom, like when you're in the car together. Talk about why your mom wants you to change schools. Be honest, and talk about the possible hazards ahead. Even if you do go to a different school, by talking frankly with your mom, you've let her know that you're not afraid to talk to her about important subjects. That means alot. Good Luck.
Do you know why your mom doesn't want you to go to middle school? Perhaps
she really wants the best for you and she thinks that a different school is better.
I'm going to a private parochial school now. My parents wanted me to go there because of its good reputation and strong academics. Is it the same case with you? Even if you're not in the same school any more, you can still stay in touch with your old friends, and at the same time, you can try to make new friends. A new school might not be as bad as it sounds, trust me.
--Joyce, IML Mentor
Your mother has your best interests at heart. I went through the same thing, and really wanted to stay with my friends. But my parents were looking to the future and knew that this new school would be better for me. And if they are really your friends, they will still keep in touch if you switch schools.
--Jay, IML Mentor
I know how you feel and it is a very scary situation. When I was ten my parents wanted me to switch schools, too. I was really scared about leaving my friends and an environment I was very comfortable in. I didn't have a choice to stay at my current school, and I remember feeling very helpless. Fortunately, my parents' decision to put me in another school was the best thing for me. I am still at the same school and I love being there every day.
--Jenna, IML Mentor
When I had to apply to middle school, my mom wanted to me to go to public school, and I wanted to go to a private school. I was scared to talk to her, so I made a list of all the reasons why I wanted to go to the private school, and why I didn't want to go to public school. We sat down and had a talk, and once she realized how much I really wanted to go to that school, she understood and let me go there. But Angelae, if the only reason you don't want to go to this new school is because you don't want to leave your friends, remember that you can keep in touch with your friends even you don't go to school with them. I still see friends from my old school all of the time! Trust me, it's possible to go to different schools and still stay good friends.
--Danielle, IML Mentor
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