Dear IML,
I need help! I feel really awkward around teens that I'm not really close to, especially guys. I just get so weird! I don't know what to do with my hands, and I don't know what to say, I don't know what to look at. Can you help me? I'm not really a shy person. In fact, I'm really outgoing with some people. I don't know what to do!
--Victoria, 13

Victoria,
This is a more common problem then you would think. Talking to people you don't really know can be really weird sometimes! When I talk to new people, I'm constantly pushing my bangs back, taking out my phone and shifting around a bit, and it can be really embarassing! But it's something we all have to do, especially in high school. Just find a good conversation starter, and if you don't know what to do with your hands, put them in your pockets. Try to look them in the eye (it's really good body language!) but always look at the person who's talking. Being with a group can be really helpful too! If none of this works, it will come to you as you get a little older, promise!
--Nikola, IML Mentor

Dear Victoria,
I've got the same problem! Really stinks, doesn't it? I feel like it's not shyness that's the problem but simply nerves, being too frightened to say the wrong thing or making a fool of yourself. As a result, you, and many other people including me, psych ourselves out and either don't say anything or end up talking nonsense. I'm sorry to say that I have not yet successfully shaken my nerves when talking in a group, so I'm not sure if you ever will. However, I have figured out a few techniques for feeling and being less awkward, and they work pretty well. For one, I listen to everything that's being said and decide whether I have any opinion on it. This way, I can say something meaningful. Then, I think of and repeat in my head exactly what I'm going to say before I say it. I also try and cut down on the amount I say. Making a little comment or piece of small talk is often enough; you don't need to make an Oscar speech every time you open your mouth. Thirdly, remember that you're talking to people who are very likely to forgive you even if you say something a little wrong or silly- everyone says something strange sometimes, and usually people just forget about it within a day or even a minute. If you have to, pretend you're talking to those people who you are outgoing with. As far as what to do with your hands, if you don't have a habit of making gestures, just do the simplest thing possible: keep your hands at your sides or in your pockets. Just try not to slouch because then you'll seem shy. And as for where to look, just do your best to maintain eye contact with whoever's talking or whoever you're answering if you're talking. If constant eye contact gets to be too much, just periodically pretend to adjust a sleeve, check something in a book, or do some homework (actually doing so doesn't hurt either.) Hope this helped,
--Yulia, IML Mentor

Dear Victoria,
I know exactly how you feel. If you ask any of my friends whether or not I'm shy, they'll tell you I'm absolutely not -- and yet whenever I meet someone new, I freak out inside. My advice to you is to take lots of deep breaths when you meet new people; this will help calm you down. When you stand, stand in a relaxed position, with your hands by your sides. If you need something to do with your hands, your pockets are helpful friends! Also, with regard to not knowing what to say, I'd suggest that you watch some of the news or read up on some topics that interest you. When you're talking to someone and get beyond "hello" and "how are you," you can talk about what's going on in the world (and learn some things about their opinions and personalities to boot!). And don't be afraid to ask questions and learn things about the other person -- everyone loves to talk about themselves! I hope I helped!
--Sarah J., IML Mentor

Back

Dear IML,
I just moved from China. I know English because I was taught it at my Chinese school, but I don't like my new school. No one is Chinese, and I feel like an outcast. What do I do?
--Tian-Tian, 13

Dear Tian-Tian,
Moving is hard, no matter where you move from -- your old friends are suddenly far away, you have to adjust to a new neighborhood and to a new school. As someone who moved from a foreign country at a young age, you will never quite shake the reputation of being "foreign." But moving also has a good side. You can meet new people, you can see a whole different part of the world, and you learn important life skills like adapting to a new life (something many people don't learn how to do before starting college). I moved to America from Russia when I was two, but since I went to a Russian day-care and spent almost all my days before kindergarten among Russian people, I might as well have not moved before the age of six. And I won't deny it, starting school where all the kids are "foreign" is hard. At my school, I had the same problem as you, that there were no Russian kids. But trust me, just because no other people at your school are Chinese doesn't mean they are so different from you that they can't become close friends. And you'll probably find many people who think it's really cool that you have so many new and different experiences to share. It takes guts to approach a person and make friends with them, but it's achievable. And one friend is often a magnet for more friends.
--Yulia, IML Mentor

Dear Tian-Tian,
I'm so sorry that you feel like an outcast-- I know exactly how that feels and it's perfectly awful. When I first came to the school I'm at now, I was completely different than everyone else because of the way I dress for my religion. I was always quiet and no one knew a thing about me, so they talked about me behind my back a lot. What I found out was that people acted strange around me because they didn't understand me. By getting involved in certain clubs (I joined the school newspaper and the science group) I got to know the people who were interested in the same things that I was, and they got to know me. Now we're all great friends, and we have a lot of fun. Another thing that I did was talk to my teachers and my counselor -- they were really nice and gave me some great advice!
--Sarah, IML Mentor

Back