Dear IML,
Last year I started the third grade at a new school. People here are different than at my old school. They all have a lot of money and don't want to make new friends. What can I do to fit in here?
--Martin, 9

Hey Martin!
I’ve moved around a lot and I think I know something about new schools. I was always nervous about the new kids, too, because I didn’t know how they would react to me. I thought that I would never fit in and never have any friends because they wouldn’t want to bother with me. And it was true!! No one talked to me. No one sat with me at lunch. No one played with me at recess. And I had no clue why. So, I talked to my dad. I said “What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I fit in? Why don’t these new kids like me?” He said that the problem was my attitude. He said that it wasn’t that no one talked to me; it was that I didn’t talk to anyone. At the time I thought my dad was wrong. I mean, I’m the new kid, so shouldn’t they be welcoming me? But then I started thinking, “When a new kid is at school, do I feel like being his or her best friend right away?” Not really. I mean, why should I? I don’t even know the person! That’s when I realized that I had to make an effort to get people to know me…then they could decide if they liked me or not. My first two tries failed, but eventually I found a group of friends that lasted even after I moved again. So, Martin, you have got to make the first move, and try again and again until you find people who are right for you. There’s bound to be someone at your school who would make a great friend, and it’s up to you to find him or her. Make sure you get involved in after-school clubs and activities, which will help you meet people with similar interests. Good luck!
--Vanessa, IML Mentor

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Dear IML,
I like to study, but I don't feel like going to school sometimes, because I have no close friends in the school. I feel lonely. I believe this relates to my language's problem. I'm not a native English-speaker, so I have an accent; sometimes I have trouble expressing myself. I've struggled to improve my English. However, it doesn't seem to change that much. People (students) still don't like to talk to me. By the way, I'm talkative actually. (Therefore, I had a lot of friends when I was in my country.) So, according to my situation, what can I do to get more friends?
--Yvonne

Dear Yvonne,
I didn't start off as a native speaker, either. My parents brought me up speaking Chinese (they weren't born in the U.S. as I was), and I used to speak with an accent too. Since you're young, it’s very likely that your English will improve a lot very soon. Kids from all over the world always have something in common, like the music you listen to, the books you read, the TV shows you watch, etc. Show them that even though you may not share their backgrounds, you have a lot to share with them now. They may be interested to hear about your country of origin. Good luck!
--Joyce, IML Mentor

Hi Yvonne,
I can't say I relate personally to your problem, but I have known several friends who spoke English as a second language. They were all foreign exchange students, so not only did they not speak English that well but when they made friends, they knew it would only be temporary. One friend was from France and she was afraid to speak English with us because she thought we would laugh at her accent, but we all loved it and she had a good personality. We became friends with her because everybody was so curious about her culture. Yvonne, I advise you to find out what people in your class like. If you notice someone has a sticker or pin with a music group's name on it, if you also like that music group, don't be afraid to say something about it. Ask if they have the group's latest CD or how they like one of their songs. People love talking about things they like and topics that they know about. Perhaps the reason people aren't talking with you is because they're not taking the time to listen to what you have to say. If you let them know you have some really interesting topics to talk about, I'm sure they will go the extra mile to understand even the words you might mispronounce. Don't let your classmates stop your motivation for going to school, continue studying English, you'll get better at it and you won't have to worry about people not wanting to talk with you.
-–Tiffany, IML Mentor

Dear Yvonne,
Almost every year at my school there is an exchange student who knows little, if no, English. However, each one has made friends with plenty of kids because they tried so hard to communicate with them. I think that by simply trying really hard and just talking, you'll not only get better at speaking English, but people will appreciate how hard it must be for you to communicate with them, and they might try harder to help out or understand what it is that you're saying. Language has not prevented cultures from mingling and I'm sure that with a little confidence and effort, you will see that there are plenty of people who want to be your friend.
--Mikey, IML Mentor

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Dear IML,
I am not very social and I need to get more friends. But I just don't have the courage to do so. How can I be un-shy?
--Vincent, 13

Hi Vincent,
I can safely say that I've been around that block several times. The way I got over it was to join the school marching band. I made friends in the percussion section and then eventually in the entire band. If you joined a club or your local YMCA or something, people will see that you have the same interests. This will eventually lead to talking about it and maybe even a good solid friendship!
--Stephan, IML Mentor

Vincent,
I was also a very shy person, once. The thing that helped me the most was that I joined the plays that our school put on, as well as some other organizations outside of school. This forced me to have to be social and work with different types of people. I was able to have fun while getting over my fear of being shy. Just remember, sometimes you just have to get out there and just start talking even if you don't feel like you want to. Try those things and see where it takes you!
–-Katie, IML Mentor

Hi Vincent,
It's really brave of you to send in this question. I'm not very social either, and I feel bad about myself sometimes because I'm not one of the popular kids. But I’m still able to make quite a big circle of friends despite that! I don't think you really have to be un-shy in order to make friends; you don't really have to go up to people and say, “Let's be friends!” Just smile at people, try to help them out when they're carrying loads of stuff, little gestures like that. When you're an agreeable and friendly person, people can't help being friendly to you in return! That's how friends are often made: you just start out by smiling at each other and then somehow you start talking about trivial things, and finally, as you become friends, you can talk about things that are closer to your heart. Just try to go step-by-step. I'm sure you'll make a great friend for some lucky people! Good luck!
--Joyce, IML Mentor

Dear Vincent,
I used to be exactly like you a couple of years ago. The best advice I can give is to get out and join other people doing things that you enjoy. For example, is there a club at school that sounds interesting to you? What about sports, or another activity? The great thing about this is that you will already have something in common with the people you’re meeting, which is a great conversation starter. Just be yourself, and not only will you enjoy your new activities, but you’ll most likely meet lots of people who have your same interests.
--Megan, IML Mentor

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