Dear IML,
I hate growing up! It is so difficult. Having all of these social problems, changing...ugh! I have also been having serious stress. I ache and I am tired. Maybe from schoolwork and friends, I dont know. What is the best way to deal with growing up? How can you make it easier?
--Hilary, 12
Dear Hilary,
We all go through problems, and keep in mind that finishing the growing up process won't make them go away. Stress is normal during the years of getting more mature and taking responsibility for yourself. The best way that I overcome stress is by taking time out to relax. Take a moment to read a book, talk to a friend, or, better yet, write in a journal. Remember that all this stress is normal, and that this is actually the best time to learn to deal with it.
--Tiffany, IML Mentor
Dear Hilary,
I know how hard growing up is. I'm still waiting for some relief! There is one thing that I do know about growing up, and that is the fact that there is no one way to do it. What I do is try to find out what makes me happy. I try to figure out where I'm most comfortable and, years from now, what I'll be most proud of or wish I'd done differently. From there, I set goals for myself and it gives me a structure to grow up around. For instance, I really enjoy running and I am very serious about my studies, so these are my priorities and I'm growing up around them. I hope this helps and good luck!
--Mikey, IML Mentor
Dear Hilary,
Everybody hates growing up...but we just can't help growing! I still hold on to my teddy bear at night - just to show the others that I'm not completely grown up yet. Have you read a book called "The Little Prince"? The little prince in the book really hates the way adults see things. So I was afraid that I'm going to become an adult and see things differently. Actually, growing up involves many choices. And you are to make them yourself. You are changing too, even if you don't realize it...and somehow you'll fit in somewhere. Being a teenager can be a really cool thing!
--Joyce, IML Mentor
Hi Hilary,
You may want to write all your thoughts in a journal to sort out your feelings, or talk to someone you trust, like your mom or an aunt. They've all been there, and might be able to give you suggestions if you're having problems. Growing up can be a really difficult time, but it can also come with some benefits, because you can do more things and have more privileges.
--Megan, IML Mentor
Dear Hilary,
Yes, growing up can be extremely stressful. If you're stressed about school, one idea is to make a "to do" list each night so you can begin to feel organized. Another important thing to keep in mind is to start taking some time out of each day to do you YOU want to do.
--Lindsey, IML Mentor
Hilary,
Growing up sometimes seems like it's the worst thing that could ever happen to you, but really it is a time to cherish! It's a time to do all the fun stuff that your parents don't get to do, and do all the stuff that younger kids can't do! Dealing with stress is hard. I love to dance, so I usually spend at least a half an hour a day just dancing my stress away. Maybe you could read a book, or sing a song! Good luck!
--Danielle, IML Mentor
Dear Hilary,
The way I have dealt with growing up is through my music. I write songs on guitar and sometimes I just play for hours. Perhaps if you found something that you are really into, you can use that to deal with those high stress levels. Sports are a really good way to let out that stress. It lets out all of that bottled up aggression and it'll take your mind off of the daily problems. If you need a break from people, then take a break. It's alright to spend time alone or with just one or two friends. The point is to "work down" not get "worked up".
--Stephan, IML Mentor
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Dear IML,
I'm so annoyed at school and at home because of my 'perfect at everything' best friend. She's the smartest kid in the grade, good at sports, can play the violin, flute and piano really well, and very creative at everything. But when she gets a 94% quiz back, she says she did a horrible job at it and that I probably got better than her when she knows I didn't. I feel like I have no friends and what makes it worse is that my little sister is sooooo popular, even though she's only in 5th grade, got asked out 8 times, is perfect, and makes fun of me. I am soooo depressed and feel like an ugly, stupid, not-good-at-anything kind of person with no friends.
--Caylee, 12
From Lyn Turnell, Ed.S., LPC, NCC, NCSC, School Counselor, Canton, Georgia
Dear Caylee,
It sounds like youre really frustrated because your friend seems to do everything so well and you feel like she tries to rub it in. I want to ask you to consider looking at yourself without comparing you against your sister or your friend or anyone else. Everyone has things they are good at and they aren't always the same as anyone else. If you compare yourself to someone else, you don't pay attention to your strengths that the other person may not share with you.
Try to list three or four of your talents or things you enjoy and do well. Sometimes doing that is hard and if that's the case for you, try asking your family, friends, or teachers what they think you are good at. You may be surprised by the great things other people have noticed about you; things that maybe you didn't realize about yourself. I have found that even the "perfect at everything" people I know don't always realize how good they do at anything either. Perhaps your friend is one of those people and she is seeking reassurance from you that she is worthwhile rather than trying to show off her accomplishments.
I would encourage you to share with your friend how you feel when she talks about how much better she thinks you will do than her. Try using an "I feel" statement to share with her how you feel and why and then suggest to her an alternative that will make you feel better. (I feel _______when/because______and I need/wish__________.) You might find that you and she have much more in common about your insecurities than you realize.
Finally, remember what I'm sure you've heard over and over before: everyone is different and that is what makes the world interesting. If we were all good at the same things, we would never experience anything new. It would be pretty boring if all we ever did was play soccer or if we all had red hair and green eyes. Find ways to appreciate what makes you different and other will start to notice and appreciate those differences, too!
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Dear IML,
I'm feeling really stupid these days. I've been trying really hard in school, but I'm not doing well. My parents are disappointed in me and I don't want them to think I'm dumb. My sister is really smart and that makes it even worse. I don't know what to do to feel better.
--Jake, 12
From Josephine Schiff, MSW, LCSW, school social worker in Union City, NJ public schools
Dear Jake,
Wow. You sound very overwhelmed! It's hard when many areas of our life, like school, parents, and brothers/sisters, aren't positive and supportive. Have faith. There are things you can do to help yourself out of this rut you describe.
Unfortunately, there are some people that appear to do well in school easily (like your sister), and then there are the rest of us, who need to work at it. Everyone learns differently, and at a different pace. Do you need extra help at school? Maybe your teacher or guidance counselor can steer you to help offered at your school.
Why are you so sure that you're a disappointment to your parents? Sometimes our perceptions can be incorrect, ESPECIALLY if our self-esteem is not the highest it's ever been. Even though it may be hard, tell your parents or guardian about your difficulties. You are reaching out, and being honest. That seems pretty mature and positive to me.
Think about times in your life when you've done things RIGHT. (Too often we get stuck on the negative things.) Look back and see if what you did back then will help now. Make a list of your strengths. (You have a lot more of them than you think!) Using your strengths can help you to feel better about yourself. Like to read? Volunteer at the local library. Enjoy theatre? Join the drama club. Like to argue? See if your school has a debate team. Does everyone come to you with their problems? Think about peer leadership.
Sometimes it's hard to think there's a way out of these ruts we're stuck in. By reaching out, and looking inward, you can do a lot to help yourself to feel better.
| Always feel like you're competing with a brother or sister? IML has lots of info on how to deal with Sibling Rivalry. |
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Dear IML,
Lately, Ive been sad a lot, and Im not sure why. Sometimes Ill start crying for no reason, or feel very alone or hate myself. I think my friends just think Im moody and Im afraid they wont want to hang out with me anymore. I dont really feel like I can talk to my parents about this either. Im just having a lot of pain and sometimes, I have thoughts about hurting myself in some way. Can you help me?
--Peggy, 11
From Deborah Hardy, School Counselor
Dear Peggy,
Sadness, like the kind youre feeling, shows us that there's some feeling or problem that isn't going away. Many of us refer to it as depression. You've done the most important thing you can do to help yourself. By telling us how you're feeling, you've taken the first step.
I would urge you to speak to an adult as soon as possible. Its understandable that you may not feel comfortable talking to your parents about this, so try to find a school counselor or someone else you trust who can guide you. Many kids who feel the same way need someone to listen to them, not judge them, and help them sort out their feelings so they understand why they're sad. It does take time, but if you want to begin feeling better, it's worth the effort of trying to talk to someone. Other alternatives, like hurting yourself, are not going to lead to a better life, and will end up hurting not just you but also those around you.
I believe that all young people have talents and something to give...but when you're down, it doesn't feel that way. Please let someone hear you.
From the IML Staff:
If you are thinking of hurting yourself (or someone you know is), please know that help is out there. If you cant find an adult to speak to, try calling one of these 24-hour confidential hotlines. |
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