IS THERE ANYTHING WORSE than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is not properly balanced? No! (Okay, MAYBE Mu Shu when you still have the tasty middle bits, but run out of pancakes... but I'm trying to make a point here.)

Anyway, here's how to ALWAYS get the PERFECT RATIO of peanut butter to jelly. (I got all this from Chet, who apparently is a BIG fan of the PB&J. Who knew?).

1. Select two slices of ROUND bread. English muffin is perfect. Oval is fine, too, although where do you find oval bread? Point is, the CORNERS will MESS IT UP.
2. Measure the circumference of your bread.
3. Divide that number by the sum of the weight of one teaspoon of your peanut butter (remember, chunky style adds bulk!), PLUS the area of the jelly when you...

Uh, hang on a minute. Chet, I'm losing you here a bit.

You know, this is too much trouble. I'm just gonna slop it on!

(Maybe I'll have my FETCHers figure this out for me soon...)

Always fascinating, always entertaining, always…